The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. -George Bernard Shaw

Dear Universe,

Why did you make this rule? When you're waiting for the air conditioning (or PG&E or cable) guy to come and of coarse you need to pee and you say to yourself, "I'm sure he won't show up in the next two minutes." Why oh why does the doorbell always ring the moment you sit down?

Sincerely,
A lady who drinks a lot of watter

Gettin crazy with the Cheese Wiz.-Looser by Beck*

Dear man on the powder pink Vespa,

You are either an awesome retro savvy gay man or a super confident straight guy. Either way you are super cool and you made my day. You go powder pink Vespa guy. You go.

Love,
A fellow commuter you made smile.

*This quote's got nothin to do with anything byt there aren't a lot of Vespa quotes out there and I liked this one.

An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.-Buddha

Dear "Friend" on Facebook,

Okay I ignore the duck face pictures, I ignore the inappropriate weekend photos you better hope your parents and/or employer never see. But I'm drawing the line at the picture of your kids first poop in the training potty.

No one wants to see a picture of poop and I'm willing to bet your kid will be less than pleased someday.

Sincerely,
Yeah my kids potty trained too, no one cares.

A hot dog at the ball park is better than steak at the Ritz.-Humphrey Bogart

Dear Ballpark Franks,

Thank you so much for the new resealable package. I can't believe it took this long to come up with it.
of coarse your product still gives me gas but still, good for you!

Nudity is the uniform of the other side... nudity is a shroud.-Milan Kundera

Dear Old Guy at the Gym All Guys Everywhere,

I don't care if you are working out, leggings are not a look you should be rocking in a public place...EVER!

Also (and this part is for everyone) if you must wear leggings please avoid wearing skin tone ones.

I now have a way to clear idea what you would look like with no pants on than I am at all comfortable with. Seriously science needs to get on inventing eye bleach.

Sincerely
Someone who has already enough problems with nausea thank you

When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock and roll, there's a good chance the transmission is shot.*

Dear Sacramento Area Drivers,

Could ya freaking step on the gas? I'm not much of a speeder myself but the 15-25 miles under the speed limit ya'll seem comfortable with is not just frustrating but dangerous. Seriously getting on the freeway at 35 IS NOT A GOOD IDEA. So step on it or get outta my way.

Thanks
The woman who's developing road rage.


*Sorry ran out of room again. The quote is by Larry Lujack.

From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.-Bertolt Brecht

Dear Chatty lady at the gym,

I really did not need to know you forgot to bring panties.

Sincerely,

The deposed queen of over sharing

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.-Author Unknown

Dear Friends,

I'm sick AGAIN! Ahhhh the joys of having a young child. I've actually gone through two entire boxes of Kleenex and am well in to a third. I'm getting better though so I'm sure I'll be up to posing again soon. If I don't get around to it before Friday have a great New Year. My plans involve laying around watching movies and sleeping and that's got nothing to do with being sick, that's just my idea of a good time.

Lots O' Love
Dani

You may be a princess or the richest woman in the world, but you cannot be more than a lady.-Jennie Churchill

Dear Little Miss Puddinbelly,

Happy third birthday. Sure we celebrated a couple weeks ago at Disneyland and again this weekend but today is your actual birthday. Do you know why this is your birthday? 'Cause you were trying to come out butt first folded like a taco and that was just not happenin'. So the Doctor and I discussed the possible dates for my C-section. Generally they schedule them a week before the due date but that was a Saturday and the following Monday was Christmas eve and the Dr. and I both had other plans for that day so we decided on the Friday. The result is we got to bring you home on Christmas eve. I've always said you were the best Christmas gift I've ever received although if someone would like to try to top it by getting me something really spectacular I'd be happy to accept.

Love ya Baby girl (though you're not much of a baby any more)
Mama

Most people do not consider dawn to be an attractive experience - unless they are still up.-Ellen Goodman

Dear Fiona and Vladi,

You don't need to be up at 5:30. More importantly I DON"T NEED TO BE UP AT 5:30. This conspiracy you two have is less than charming.

Thanks,
The Queen of non morning people

I nicknamed everyone in the gym. It was easier than remembering their names.-Joe Gold

Dear guy at the gym with the old timey waxed handlebar moustache,

I kept expecting you to break in to this routine.


*

You go guy at the gym with the old timey waxed handlebar moustache! You go!

Love
Dani

*Sorry about the quality of this clip but it's the only one I could find.

Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.-Charles M. Schulz

Dear Fiona,



Ice cream sandwiches don't really work the same way as Oreos. By that I mean pulling them apart is a bad plan.



Just my opinion

Mama

California can and does furnish the best bad things that are obtainable in America.-Hinton R. Helper

Dear State of California,

BITE ME! I just received my new drivers licence and discovered that your new policy is to make me an organ donor as default. I DON'T THINK SO!

I immediately went to the organ donor registry web site and removed myself but if I want a new licence, ya know one that doesn't have a pink dot on it telling any harvest happy Dr. I may meet that they can have my bits n' pieces I have to deal with the DMV.

Now don't get me wrong I don't have an issue with organ donation in itself. But if I'm in the process of dying I'd rather Dave make the call rather than giving blanket permission for a stranger to just take what they want.

Also I have BIG problems with the government making decisions about my body (guess which side I came down on in the health care debate). I didn't need another reason to want to move out of this state but thanks so much for making me hate it just a little more.

Sincerely,
One pissed of California Gurl


BTW this also happened to one to Dave's coworkers so it's not just a mix up.

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.-Fred A. Allen

Dear Katey Perry,

I have three things to say to you

#1. If I'm understanding your euphemism correctly I don't think you want to "melt" the Popsicle


#2. There's no U in Girl

#3. Speaking as a female from the golden state you do not represent me.

I like the wig though

Thanks
Dani

The most pretentious woman the cinema has ever known.-Ryan O`Neal *

Dear Facebook users,



Please stop trying to be all deep and poetic in your status. I don't give a crap about your awakening soul or your new found respect for whatever it is. You're more annoying that the people who announce they are doing laundry, at least they are being productive.



Sincerely

Dani

* BTW today's quote is in reference to Barbara Streisand which amuses me because I find her completely over rated.

I detest heavy perfume and shrill voices.-Renee Vivien

Dear men who wear cologne, after shave, or any other kind of scent,

You do know you're not supposed to bathe in it right? Also could you wait for the next elevator, cause I find it hard to hold my breath for that many floors?

Thanks
People who have noses

If I had to choose, I would rather have birds than airplanes.-Charles Lindbergh

To my fellow travelers

Dear lady sitting behind me on the plane home,

Keep your manky feet to yourself. I shouldn't have to glance over to see if my child has fallen asleep and find your dry flaky foot perched on the arm rest between us. First off that's rude second it's called a pedicure look in to it.

Dear man in front of me on the same flight,

If I wanted to listen to a movie I'd have brought my own DVD player. Buy a set of headphones you inconsiderate schmuck.

Sincerely,

The lady that hopes you both caught her stomach flu

I love punk rock, but I also love metal.-Penelope Spheeris

Dear Internet,

I love you. While surfing your familiar waters I discovered Me First and the Gimme Gimme's has another album. Yay.

Thanks
Dani

My all time favorite song



Danny's song of coarse I love it duh! 'Coarse the video is kinda lame.

Every man is surrounded by a neighborhood of voluntary spies.-Jane Austen

Dear Neighbor Who Writes Anonymous Notes,

Thanks so much for your note about my yard. Since other than needing to be mowed the front isn't bad I'm assuming you're talking about the backyard.

Now to respond to your concerns.

1. Stop looking over my fence

2. Yep you're right I don't care about this neighborhood. What made you think I did?

3. If you have something to say to me, say it to my face. Yep I see the irony of responding in this forum but if I knew who you were you can bet I'd be saying this to you in person.

Bite me you interfering peeping tom
Dani

After dark all cats are leopards.-Native American Proverb

Dear Vladi,

Why must you lay on the clean clothes I just removed from the closet? There is an entire king sized bed for you to lay on. If you must lay on my clothes I would prefer if you lay on my dirty pajamas thanks.

Also while I have your attention, could you stop standing on me in the middle of the night? Your feet are all pokey. Again thanks.

Love and Kisses
Dani