Friday, July 17, 2015

I had 53 years of happy marriage and two daughters. These were the best things that happened in my life.-Henry Allingham

While watching Drunk History Charleston South Carolina

Me: You know where I'd like to go someday?

Dave: Savanna Georgia?

Me: Yes! I love that I can say something completely non sequitur and you know what I mean.  I love you!

Friday, July 10, 2015

Safety is something that happens between your ears, not something you hold in your hands.-Jeff Cooper

Coworker: You know the number one thing to improve safety on a motorcycle after the helmet, gloves, and jacket?

Me: A car.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Time spent with cats is never wasted.-Sigmund Freud

Vladi died tonight. I've been expecting it for almost a year and a half. He'd gotten really gross. In fact the only person who still wanted to touch him was Daphne. I thought I'd be okay with him going but I don't remember the gross old cat who I didn't want to touch. I remember the fluffy little kitten I could hold in my palm. I remember all the strange things he used to bring to us (envelopes, kids homework, an entire sheet of newspaper with a paint brush stuck in the middle of it). I remember he liked to sleep next too my pillow. I remember that despite being old and clearly miserable he was always patient with my girls. I remember that he loved me and I loved him. I still love him and I'm sad that he's gone.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

One forgets words as one forgets names. One's vocabulary needs constant fertilizing or it will die.-Evelyn Waugh

As I arrived for work

Coworker 1: Hey Dani. What's the good word?

Me: Hmmmm. Prestidigitation.

Coworker 1: Ha ha right on!

Coworker 2: Is that a real word?

Me: Yep. It means magic.

Coworker 1: I think I heard it in a cartoon.

Me: Yeah, I learned it from the Sword and the Stone.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

You know what the secret to weight loss is? Don't eat much.-Simon Cowell

Ya know what's an awesome way to loose weight? Get your wisdom teeth out and then the stomach flu TWICE in two months. I've lost at least 10 pounds. At this rate I'll be down to my ideal weight in no time.

I feel really shitty.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

"Or he might have been sacked!" said Ron enthusiastically. "I mean everyone hates him--" -Ron Weasley Harry Potter and the Chamber of Seacrets.

Spoiler alert (incase you've been living under a rock for the last 8 years)

Okay in the end it turned out Shape was all tragically brave. And if the internet is any indication people forgave him for all his past behavior. But you know what? He was a flaming dick to other entirely innocent students. And while we're on the subject his motivations are pretty selfish and can you say obsseive much?

Just because he wasn't evil doesn't mean he wasn't an asshole. I don't like the guy.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Imagination is the true magic carpet.-Norman Vincent Peale

We were watching a movie where some one gets turned in to a cat

Me: Why is she all mad? I totally want to be a cat. What is the formula for this potion?

Fiona: It's easy.

Me: Really do you know the formula?

Fiona: You need some cat hair.

Me: Okay I can get that easy.

Fiona: And you need some cat litter.

Me: I can get that...wait does it need to be used?

Fiona: You don't need to drink it, just put it on your head.

Me: Okay what else?

Fiona: You need some of your cat's teeth.

Me: Oh that's the hard part, but I bet I can get that.

Fiona; You just wait until your cat looses a tooth and then you use it.

Me: Okay, what else?

Fiona: And then you need something to make your nose wet like face paint.

Me: I can do that I've got Vaseline.

Fiona: No something like face paint.

Me: Okay I may have to wait for halloween but I can get that. Then what?

Fiona: You need some hair from your cat's tail.

Me: Alright, I can get that.

Fiona: And then that's it.

Me That's it?

Fiona: Yeah.

Me: Awesome! I can do all that. I'll totally be a cat by morning!

Fiona: I don't know if any of that will work?

Me: Really?


Me: Awwwwww.