Thursday, October 1, 2015

I listen to their story, they listen to my comments, and then I pocket my fee.-Sherlock Holes A Study in Scarlet

I had a dream that I was a speaker in a series of speeches about famous detectives. I was speaking about Hercule Poirot. Naturally Benedict Cumberbatch was going to be speaking about Sherlock Holmes. But for some reason when I got to the stage to talk Benedict was there and wouldn't leave so instead of giving my speech we just wound up sniping at each other which was apparently so entertaining to the audience that we went on a comedy tour together.

Monday, September 28, 2015

You had to learn at a certain age what sarcasm is, you know?-Penny Marshal

OMG this is what Fiona just said to me.

"You had sarcasm in your mouth and you spilled it throw up."

She's not wrong. That kids a wordsmith I tells ya.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Jewelry, to me, is a pain in the derriere, because you have to be watching it all the time.-Eartha Kitt

One current fashion I really like is long necklaces. When I see other women wearing them they always look elegant and somehow thinner to me. I have a couple of these type of necklaces and they look nice when I first put them on but when I walk or use my arms or breathe they always slide sideways and wrap lovingly around one of my boobs. Counter to what you might expect this does not make my boob seem fashion forward and elegant. At best is just makes my boob look really awkward. At worst it makes it seem like I'm actually trying to draw attention to my boob by covering it in shinny dangly bits, which is not at all the effect I'm going for at work.

This is my, "I'm about done with your shit you stupid necklace" look.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.-Jim Morrison

Last night I Googled, "How to make friends in your 40's." Yes I know it is completely ridiculous that I had to Google that. That is how bad I am at it.

I do have friends but none of them live in hanging out distance. Most actually live in other states (or countries). After almost 5 years living up here I really think I should enlarge my social circle to include people who aren't Dave and the girls.

The Internet was not helpful*. Every suggestion I found said I should join a "Mommy group" or "Find other Moms who..." Which is stupid. Saying I should be friends with other women just because we all happen to have working girly parts (or did have at one time) is like saying we should all bond over sharing recipes and housekeeping tips. It's dated, sexist, and condescending. I have no objection to making friends who are Moms but I know I'd get bored if that was all there was in common. 

Usually I make friends at work. But though I like many of my coworkers that hasn't happened at this job. I think that's because my job is almost all men.  I used to have lots of male friends but somehow it is almost impossible to make friends with the opposite sex when you're middle aged married people. If you ask someone if they want to swing by Taco Bell with you at lunch time they might think it's euphemism for something else. Like some dirty joke where the punchline is "Burrito".  You have to worry if they will think you are coming on to them and they have to worry that you might be coming on to them and all any of you actually want is some damn nachos.

*If you're keeping count the subjects the Internet has failed me on are pet bunnies, how to grow tomatoes, and making friends.

Friday, September 18, 2015

That's the thing about pictures: they seduce you.-David Byrne

You know those embarrassing pictures your parents have of you?

You know what I mean. The one of you as a baby naked in the bath. Or the one of you wearing parachute pants and sporting a flock of seagulls hairstyle in your teenage years. Or the one of you scowling wearing that outfit that grandma made you at any age.

Come on. Don't pretend they don't exist. Or at least admit that they used to exist before you burned them.

Do you think our kids will be more embarrassed because we put them on the Internet where the whole world has seen them and they can never be destroyed? Or do you think it will just seem normal and they won't feel the shame it is our right as parents to inflict?

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Look at this stuff. Isn't it neat.-The Little Mermaid.

We've been in the house for over a year and I'm finally starting to do something about all the blank wall decorating the smallest room in the house.

For no really good reason I decided on a sea theme. It's a work in progress but I'm pretty pleased with what I've got so far.

Tonight when we picked up Fiona from school she ran up excitedly to show me what she'd made me for my bathroom.

Ya better believe I'll be putting it up as soon as I get a frame the right size.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.-Jo Brand

Texts to Dave.

Me: I'm going to stop at Target on the way home for diapers and cream.

Me: That sounds like the worst ice cream flavor ever.