The sea is nothing but a library of all the tears in history.-Lemony Snicket

I had to buy pepper spray. 

Don't worry I'm not being stalked or any thing. I'm starting to jog again and we have coyotes in the neighborhood.

Any how this post isn't about wild dogs, or fitness, or personal security.

I just wanted to let you know I may have found my new motto.

Dude, you lost us, can you just call it something cool like "The Ninja Report" or something?-How I Met Your Mother

So this guy walks in to our department and starts talking to my boss about "the Ninja project". I thought either someone was a HIMYM fan or possibly just a huge duffis. It turns out actually we really do have a project going on for a company with Ninja in their name (Hence the capitalization. Check me out pretending I care about grammar and whatnot).

Ninja project, how awesome is that?

One way to make sure crime doesn't pay would be to let the government run it.-Ronald Reagan

Did I ever tell you the story of the time I was questioned by the FBI?

No?

Sweet!

So back when I worked on a military base (not naming the company or even the specific job but if you dig through old posts you can probably figure it out) we had some product disappear. Now one this was a large theft worth tens of thousands of dollars and two being on a military base everything is Federal.

There were actually two separate thefts which helped us narrow down the suspects. There were three people who had been around for both; the person running the closing shift, the employee working the closing shift, and the person opening the next day who discovered both thefts...me.

Now I knew I hadn't done it and I don't think the management ever seriously considered me a suspect but the MP's and the FBI had to do their jobs and question all the suspects.

I was asked to come to the Base Police headquarters to meet with the FBI agent in charge of the case for questioning. Let that sink in for a moment...

Like I said I hadn't done it, in fact I was the person who realised something was wrong but still I was just a leetle bit nervous.

When I arrived I expected to be taken to a scary little room with a two way mirror but either they didn't have those or they didn't really suspect me because the room I went to looked more like a meeting room in any office with a big table and seating for six or eight.

When I get nervous I tend to get a little giddy and make random jokes (as opposed to normal when I sarcastically make random jokes on purpose). So when the FBI agent introduced himself and flashed his credentials I started giggling and said, "Just like on tv!"

He'd been all serious up to that moment and I had a second to wish my mouth had consulted my brain before it just blurted things out but then he cracked a smile and responded in his own giddy voice, "I know! I'm actually pretty new and that's the first time I got to do that."

After that I wasn't nervous and the interview got less interesting (story wise).

We did eventually figure out who'd done it but I guess you'll just have to take my word for it that I was innocent.

My Grandma died. For various reasons I'm not feeling very creative. I'm taking a few days off. See ya latter.

Now I am obsessed with collecting Platypus paraphernalia.-Trevor Dunn

I ran out of books to read (again) so I started re reading and found a Taco bell club card from the Taco bell on the base when I worked at the bank. 

 I've always had the habit of using anything at hand as a bookmark and then leaving it in the book when I'm done. There's a scene in Have His Carcase by Dorothy L. Sayers where they have to go through the books of a character who has this same habit to find a clue as to why the victim was killed. I know nothing in my books is important but I started wondering what else I'd find in there so I decided to do some bookshelf archeology.

Here's what I found:

Hundreds of post it's and sticky flags (I didn't pull them out, wasn't worth the bother)
two blank pieces of paper, one lined one unlined
A receipt from Kaiser from 2004 (I had to get my ear cleaned out in case you wondered)
An add for a Coca-Colla themed toy train for under your Christmas tree
A pizza receipt
A Safeway receipt for a Nestle Crunch, a lime, a bottle of Stoli, and a bottle of cosmo mix from 1999
A pay stub from 2001
A receipt from getting my 1st car towed in 1998
A phone message slip from when I was a receptionist 10 or so years ago
A piece of note paper with a puppy on it and 62663 written on it (I have no clue what it means)
Another receipt from Kaiser. I'm not sure what it was for but on the back are the name, phone number, and licence plate of the guy who rear ended me two cars ago (approximately 13-14 years)
A note scheduling an anointment to meet our wedding photographer
A blank receipt from the music store I worked in with my friend Kali's phone number on it
A receipt from a book store
A post it with an old co-workers email address
A post it with another old co-workers phone number
A post it with 6851 written on it (again no clue)
A post it with three dollar signs drawn on it
Some notes for a temp job I had 13 years ago
A letter I wrote to my friend Nugget 11/13/98 but apparently never mailed in an envelope with an Enterprise rent a car post it stuck to it
Bookmarks from 5 different book stores
A return slip my teachers had to sign when I came back to school after being sick in March 1990 (which would make me a Freshman and is easily the oldest thing I found)
A business card from the place my Mom used to work 7 years ago
A business card for Spanish lessons (not sure where I got that)
A Gambit bookmark
A frog bookmark
A tiny little envelope containing 1 half of the combination to the vault from the bank I worked at (I'm at a complete loss as to why I would have had that but since we had to change it about twice a month I'm guessing it must have been out of date before I had a chance to deal with it properly)

A great artist is always before his time or behind it.-George Edward Moore

My brother was an artist. I don't know if he was actually as good as we his family thought but he was certainly different than other kids. I don't remember him ever using crayons, he was creating full page drawings (which were recognizable) with fine point markers when he was 3 or 4. He was really frustrated when he went to kindergarten and all they let him use were those big fat crayons and huge paintbrushes and all he could produce was something that "looked like a kindergartner drew it."

When he was about 6 he decided it was time to start trying to sell some of his work so he set up a table in out driveway and displayed several of his pictures with a sign saying they were ten cents each. This probably would have worked better but our street didn't have any sidewalks, was on a super steep hill, and was extremely busy traffic wise. However after a couple hours one of my friends who live two doors away walked purposely down the hill and spent several minutes in serious deliberation before deciding witch picture she wanted. She gave him a dime and took her new possession home. It made his day. I have always appreciated that she did that and that she treated it like a serious transaction.


A couple notes:

1. I had forgotten this story until something my BIL (P) said about Fiona having a distinctive art style reminded me. And I thank him for that.

2. (This will get slightly sad so feel free to skip) Roses posted something this morning that made me realise something. I was still thinking I was going to try to make a living in theatre when my brother died. Unfortunately every single song I tried to sing made me think of him. I told my voice teacher I needed a break but I never went back. I didn't sing at all for well over a year. I've been a little embarrassed and angry at myself that I spent so many years taking drama, dance, and voice lessons and then never even tried to do anything with them. It wasn't till this morning that it occurred to me that it wasn't entirely laziness or cowardice on my part. And I thank Roses for helping me forgive myself a little.

A witty saying proves nothing. -Voltaire

The watter heater is working again(for now) so I have washed my hair.

My cell is broken(again) so they are sending me a new one for the fourth time since I got it in November. I am less thrilled with it now than when I got it.

My new Nephew was born last night so my niece is coming for a sleepover while her Mom and Dad are in the hospital. Congrats to them hope they get to sleep again soon.

Who knew Wednesday could be so action packed?

He who opens a school door, closes a prison.-Victor Hugo

Check me out being all grown up.

Went on a date with Dave Saturday. Got a bit tipsy and told him I wanted to cuddle the group of kids who were clearly on their way to the prom. They were just so cute trying to be dignified and classy in their evening wear when really they looked like kids playing dress up. I mean that in a nice way but not that many years ago I would have made catty girl comments.

Also I know I said it before but I actually am going back to school. I'm supposed to sign up for classes tonight. Let's hope I can get in to any of the ones I want. Also lets the only one I can get isn't the one with the book that even used costs close to $200.

Life shouldn't be printed on dollar bills.-Clifford Odets

Disclaimer: I don't think I've told this story before. I couldn't find it when I searched the archive. Any way if I have sorry and at least this one will probably be better written (I cringe when I read some of the older stuff, not that this is all that good that stuff is just terrible).

Alright here it comes, I'm about to admit to doing something illegal....when I was seven.

When I was young (seven I think) I had the brilliant idea to sign my name on every dollar I got. That way I'd know if the same dollar came back to me. After a couple months of doing this I got bored because they never came back to me. Years latter I found out it was illegal to deface US currency and was very worried "they" were going to come arrest me but it hasn't happened yet.

My first job after I got out of high school was in a frozen yogurt shop. I was eighteen or nineteen the day someone paid with one of my dollars. Seriously one of the dollars I'd signed as a little girl was handed to me to pay for a gelatinous cup of indescribable grossness (I wasn't a fan of fro-yo even BEFORE I worked there). The poor customer who handed it to me probably thought I was having a stroke or an aneurysm or maybe just that I was an idiot because I just stood there with a dopey grin on my face for several minutes before finishing the transaction.

I found out when I worked at the bank how surprising it was that my dollar had survived that long. Dollars get worn out and returned to the federal reserve for destruction faster than other denominations. So it was just one of those wonderful little surprises life throws at you sometimes.

Comedy is tragedy that happens to other people.-Angela Carter

On Friday we experienced a tragedy of epic proportions (that's me being dramatic don't worry I'm not about to lay something really bad on you). I noticed in the AM that the tree was leaning a little bit. I guess this is why it usually takes two people to set up a tree. I figured I'd get Dave to help me fix it when he got home.

Fiona and I went to the store. While we were there I grabbed some Pillsbury cookie dough telling Fiona, "We need to make cookies for Santa. If you don't leave him any cookies he won't leave you any presents. That's the deal."

We arrived home to discover the tree had fallen over. Fiona said, "Oh no the tree for Santa! Santa not gonna bring me presents." That last bit said in a tiny sad voice that would break any ones heart and devastated me being the person who put that wrong idea in to her head. Yeah minus a million Mom points for me there. I promised her we'd fix it and that Santa wasn't going to punish her.

When Dave got home he helped me set it back up. Luckily I hadn't put very many breakable ornaments on and even then most of them survived. The only one that really made me sad was a one legged (she'd been dropped before) glass ballerina that my Gramps and Milly gave me when I was a little girl and taking ballet. Gramps and Milly are both gone so it's a bit sad. But that's the nature of Christmas ornaments you can't get too attached since they will break eventually.

The thing that made me really panic was the gifts got wet from the stand spilling. The majority hadn't gotten wet but I did need to re wrap a few. Luckily the only one that got really soaked was....wait for this....a shower curtain (What? It's got Mickey Mouse on it. It's a great gift!)

Look, I'm not an intellectual - I just take pictures.-Helmut Newton

I got a new phone. I kinda had to, the old one had no battery life left and we don't have a land line right now. The new one does all kinds of fancy schmancy things that I'll probably get bored with in a week and just use it like a phone. However until then I'm having fun playing with the retro camera app. These were taken with the pinhole camera setting. Cool hu?

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.-Mitch Hedberg

Did you know there was an official Waffle House blog? Yeah I was surprised too.

Ya know how I found out? They posted a link to my Waffle House poem.

I am so amused by this.

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.-Slappy White

So today is my first day of unemployment. I had this great post I wrote back in March when they told us we were getting the axe all about Judas Goats buuuuuut I'm pretty sure it would violate the confidentiality agreement and I'd prefer not to be sued. Actually I'm not even pissed off, it was a business decision not "you suck so you're fired."

So now I have to find another job and I'm going to have to find new and different places to find blog material.

In the mean time here is the playlist I made for driving home from my last day

Take this job and Shove it-Johnny Paycheck (Specially downloaded for the occasion)
Loser-Beck
9 to 5-Dolly Parton
End of the World-Dead By Sunrise
Pick Up The Pieces-Average White Band
Minimum Wadge-They Might Be Giants
Respect-Aretha Franklin
Tubthumping-Chumbawamba
Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da (Life Goes On)-The Beatles
Good Riddance-Green Day
Stayin' Alive-The BeeGee's
Money For Nothin'-Dire Straits
I'm Beginning To See The Light-Bobby Darin
Somewhere I Belong-Linkin Park
Silver Lining-Rilo Kiley
Free Bird-Lynrd Skynrd
I Will Survive-Gloria Gaynor

It's really the cat's house - we just pay the mortgage.-Author Unknown

We're moving. We got the house we really liked.

Now maybe we'll both be able to sleep again. Dave wasn't sleeping while we were looking for a place but started doing better as we were going through the process of getting our docs together. I was sleeping fine while we were looking but I haven't slept almost at all in the last few nights waiting for an official yes.

I feel better all ready. Of coarse I also got to take my morning walk and got to the gym for first time this week so perhaps that is why my tension is receding.

Now I just need to work myself up to being excited. At the moment I just feel daunted that I have to pack up an entire house.

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.-Ogden Nash

So my....uh cousin in law (is that right?)...any way, Dave's cousin posted this link on Facebook.

http://www.peekyou.com/

I was curious so I looked myself up. Nothing particularly interesting under my current name. But when I looked up my former/ maiden name it states that I'm in my 60's (I thought 35 was bad) and apparently married to my Mother. I pretty sure that's not legal even in California.

Query: I wonder who they think my Dad is in this scenario. Our Guatemalan house boy?

Friends are relatives you make for yourself.-Eustache Deschamps

This morning as I was getting Fiona in the car to go to daycare she was admiring my necklace. I told her it was a gift from a friend who had bought it in Ireland which is a long way away. Then it occurred to me that I haven't seen the friend in question in ten or more years.

As I drove in to work something they were talking about on the radio made me think of another friend. And again I was startled to realize I hadn't seen the friend in question in at least a decade.

I started to wonder what the statute of limitations is on friendship.

I have friends I don't see for years at a time but when I do see them it's as if no time has passed at all.

I have had friends who I lost touch with but eventually bumped in to again only to discover they didn't want to renew the friendship. Those hurt and make me wish I could continue remembering things as they were.

I have friends on line (many of you in fact) who I've never actually met in person but would love to if I had the chance.

I guess for me friends are people I like. Not meeting them for a long time (or in fact ever) doesn't stop that. And really good friends are family.

If you have ten thousand regulations you destroy all respect for the law.-Winston Churchill

On my way to work I saw a Highway Patrol car pulled over on the side of the road. This is totally normal I see several every day waiting for car pool lane violators or finishing up paperwork from a previous stop. As I passed him though I saw him opening the hood of the cruiser and smoke or possibly steam poring out. My fist feeling was pity, no one likes to deal with a broken down car but after a moment I grinned and said, "Sucks to be you cop!" Apparently my inner anarchist has some issues with authority.

I like the word "indolence." It makes my laziness seem classy. ~Bern Williams

Once when I was twelve or so I was hanging with a couple friends and used to word "grody". Actually it may have been "bitchin" but I think it was "grody" and the point is they laughed at me. Apparently my slang was becoming outdated and comical.

However the fact that I was wearing a matching top and stirrup pants set (yes set) that was green with (for some unknown reason) big black numbers randomly printed on them and pink high tops didn't disturb anybody.

Strange Things Are Afoot At The Circle K

So things are happening. Not things I can talk about in this forum yet. Not all of these things are good things. Although to be fair not all of them are bad either, some are mediocre.

These things that are happening are having an effect on me. It's a similar effect to having a newborn or that job I had that caused me to loose huge amounts of wait, stop sleeping, and have two different prescriptions to keep me from curling up in a ball and refusing to leave the bed.

So I'm a bit off my game and not feeling the funny. I'll keep trying. After all this blog was one of the things that helped me regain my sanity when I did have a newborn so....

Life Is Not Fair

Something truly tragic happened to a couple I care about. I'm not in the mood to try to be funny. I just want to cry for them. Today tell someone you love them and give them an extra hug.