My Plan For World Domination

If I wanted to take over the world I would do it by cornering the worlds coffee bean market. Then I would withhold coffee until each nation on earth had caved and surrendered to my will. Then I would very carefully dole out the coffee keeping the population of the world just drowsy enough that they would be unable to rise up and over throw my tyrannical rule. Luckily for everyone I think running the world would be far to much work to make this plan at all appealing but don't test me.

Time Out

Okay people I think now is a good time to take a step back, take a deep breath, and relax for a minute.

We here in the good ol' U.S. of A. are going to have an election in a couple months. We've done it before and we've survived. Unfortunately this year all the action started way to early and passions are running high.

Now as a general rule I don't discuss politics or religion. Partly because it's really really boring and partly because I've got my opinion and I respect your right to have your own. However like it or not people tell me what they think so I can say that I know a lot of people on both sides of the isle.

Here's the thing. They're all good people who honestly want to do the rite thing. Just because someone wants to do things differently for the way you want to do things doesn't mean they are wrong or evil.

So take a moment now and then between now and November to remember that whatever happens we the people are doing our best. Sometimes things turn out differently than we intended but that's what makes us great we adapt, we roll with the punches, when the chips are down we all help each other. We're all in this together people and anger never helped anyone.

Why Didn't I Have the Camera?

There's this foot bridge that goes over the freeway in Berkeley that we have to drive under every day to get to work. For some reason every jobless wacko in Berkeley thinks this is a prime location to make their stand on whatever issue they think you should stop having your own opinion on and listen to theirs. This is mostly annoying not because of their messages but because it causes traffic. I don't care if your for world peace, or against the war, or giving away free chocolate and back rubs forcing me to sit in more traffic pisses me off. This morning there was a sign up that said "We demand another strip mall". This made me so happy because it's really going to irritate the people of Berkeley and I feel it's their turn.

Campaign promise

If I'm elected president I'll take my secret service guards cool places, like water parks.


Nuh ha ha presidential bikini ha ha ha (childish laughter)

Me for president

As a general rule I'm not very interested in politics. I mean I keep track of what's going on and I vote but mostly it just seems to be a bunch of incompetent, dishonest people behaving like children. I'm not sure if I've just gotten cynical (well more cynical than I already was) or if politicians have gotten more slimy but I'm really disillusioned with the whole process.

To quote South Park, "It's always a choice between a giant douche and a turd sandwich". In this case however it seems to be a choice between a giant douche, a turd sandwich, and a decomposing weasel. I don't assign these roles to any specific candidate they are all interchangeable.

I think it's the dishonesty that annoys me the most. None of em will give a straight answer to any question and if you dig a bit in to the things they do say half the time it turns out it's not true. Sometimes it's an exaggeration and sometimes it's a flat out lie. We already know these people are liars. Why on earth would we want them to run the country?

So I've decided I'd like to run for president. Not because I'd like the job but because I'd enjoy getting up there and just being honest. "Yes I inhaled", "I had premarital sex", "I say we drill here and let the people of the middle east fend for themselves".

Here's my platform:

1. Legalize all the drugs. Treat them just like cigarettes and alcohol (people are going to do them anyway ya might as well tax em). However to get any government assistance (welfare, medicare, unemployment) you have to pass regular drug tests. If you are caught driving under the influence you will be arrested (just like alcohol).

2. The death penalty should be more widely applied, rapists, child molesters, people who abuse animals (hello serial killer in the making).

3. Build and man a wall on the boarder. I have no problem with people from Mexico. This country was founded by immigrants. However there is a system for entering the country legally and you need to respect that. We learned this rule in elementary school, no cuts.

Sure I wouldn't win and some people (many in fact) would be horribly offended by my views but wouldn't it be refreshing to have a candidate get up and actually stand for what they believe?

Finally a quote from Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, "it is a well known fact that those who most want to rule people are ipso facto those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary, anyone who is capable of getting themselves elected president should on no account be allowed to do the job"