Wednesday, July 16, 2008

One of Those Days

You know those days when the universe is telling you to call in and stay in bed? I'm having one of those. It's not so clear cut as it sometimes is with all sorts of little things going wrong but I did wake up to an immediate conversation about the state of our bank account. Yay good morning.

I was on anxiety medication before I had Fiona but I stopped taking it when I got pregnant partly because I kept forgetting to fill the prescription (pregnant brain is fun) but mostly because I felt fine. I decided that I'd only needed it because I'd had an extremely stressful job at the time. No really like extremely stressful I'm almost 100% positive that the job was part of the reason I lost the first baby. However since Fiona was born I've had a couple really bad times when I wondered if I should call the Dr. and ask them to put me back on medication. I suspect I might not be the only member of my family who could use (or have used) some therapy and/or medication. I've been putting it off since it garners so much judgement from people and I get enough of that from people when they find out I had a c-section and didn't breast feed (seriously strangers feel it's appropriate to ask questions or make comments about my breasts and what I'm not using them for). There are good reasons for both of those things but they aren't anybodies business but my own. My daughter's healthy so back the F*#k off.

My birthday's coming up which has been depressing me. I don't mind getting older or anything like that it's just that my birthdays over the last 7 years or so have been bad. Not my 29'th birthday Dave proposed then so that one was nice but generally at the end of the day I no longer like anyone in my family and cry myself to sleep. Last year I cried on the way to work too that was fun. Of coarse this year my expectations are so low that maybe I won't feel like a worthless pile of crap by the end of the day that would be nice.

Money stresses me out. Yeah I know money stresses everyone out and we all go through the young an poor stage. I'm almost 33 and have had a job since I was 12. I'm not that young and have spent plenty of time being poor. Can't I just be getting close to middle age and not broke all the time? The reason we are consistently broke is our mortgage there's a long story behind that starting with my grandma going senile and ending with my brother in law falling in love (not with my grandma) neither of which are things they had any control over and I certainly don't blame them but it left us with a house we can't actually afford. So any way were broke and I had almost convinced myself yesterday to get my hair cut but now I'm just going to add that to the list of all the other things I can't afford.

I need a hug....and a Xanax.

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