Cats are connoisseurs of comfort.-James Herriot

Okay okay I know I have been awful about posting (I like to pretend people are worried about this. It makes me feel special).

I have 1000 excuses but really I haven't been very inspired.

Someday I'll get over this writers block. On a side note Dave's cousin Rye used to have a blog called Ryters block, which I though was a pretty darn clever name. The same cousin posted this on Facebook the other day and it made me laugh so I'm sharing.

One way to make sure crime doesn't pay would be to let the government run it.-Ronald Reagan

Did I ever tell you the story of the time I was questioned by the FBI?

No?

Sweet!

So back when I worked on a military base (not naming the company or even the specific job but if you dig through old posts you can probably figure it out) we had some product disappear. Now one this was a large theft worth tens of thousands of dollars and two being on a military base everything is Federal.

There were actually two separate thefts which helped us narrow down the suspects. There were three people who had been around for both; the person running the closing shift, the employee working the closing shift, and the person opening the next day who discovered both thefts...me.

Now I knew I hadn't done it and I don't think the management ever seriously considered me a suspect but the MP's and the FBI had to do their jobs and question all the suspects.

I was asked to come to the Base Police headquarters to meet with the FBI agent in charge of the case for questioning. Let that sink in for a moment...

Like I said I hadn't done it, in fact I was the person who realised something was wrong but still I was just a leetle bit nervous.

When I arrived I expected to be taken to a scary little room with a two way mirror but either they didn't have those or they didn't really suspect me because the room I went to looked more like a meeting room in any office with a big table and seating for six or eight.

When I get nervous I tend to get a little giddy and make random jokes (as opposed to normal when I sarcastically make random jokes on purpose). So when the FBI agent introduced himself and flashed his credentials I started giggling and said, "Just like on tv!"

He'd been all serious up to that moment and I had a second to wish my mouth had consulted my brain before it just blurted things out but then he cracked a smile and responded in his own giddy voice, "I know! I'm actually pretty new and that's the first time I got to do that."

After that I wasn't nervous and the interview got less interesting (story wise).

We did eventually figure out who'd done it but I guess you'll just have to take my word for it that I was innocent.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.-Mark Twain

So I'm heading back in to the work force today.

Not really a big deal. I've done it before.

But I am terrified.

Not of the job. Pffft I can do the job.

I'm scared that Fiona won't like me any more. Seriously how sad is that? Back when we were both working she only ever wanted Dave and would literally tell me, :Go away Mommy!" before closing the door in my face. Now that we've spent so much time together she wants to be around me and tells me she loves me.

Being home with her has been the best time of my life.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to mind?-Auld Lang Syne

Thoughts while listening to a banjo version of Auld Lang Syne (which by the way surprisingly rocks)

Lots of instruments can convey emotion.

A violin can emote like nobodies business.

A guitar can emote.

Ooooh a saxophone, now that can emote.

But for me no instrument really sells it like the bagpipes. I mean sure they aren't real versatile. You don't hear a lot of bagpipes in rock music, or Hip Hop, or Reggae, or Country (insert laughter at self here) but in their place bagpipes are totally awesome.

Daughters are like flowers, they fill the world with beauty, and sometimes attract pests.-Unknown

Fiona: You are so funny Mommy. (pause) Funny and beautiful.

As I've mentioned I've been having a not so fabulous time recently. I've been up and down and all around. Some days I don't want to get out of bed, and some days I think I'm fine. But Fiona has been the thing that keeps me going. She can be a royal pain in the rear (let's face it they all can) but there is nothing in the whole world I love more than I love her.

Fiona if you ever read this, you are my sunshine. And if you never read this, you are still my sunshine.

But more wonderful than the lore of old men and the lore of books is the secret lore of ocean.-H.P. Lovecraft

I'm not a very strong swimmer. The only sport I've ever thought I'd really like to try is surfing. Every once in a while I consider taking swimming lessons so I can then learn to surf. Then I remember that the sharks are waiting for me to foolishly go in to the watter deeper than my knees so they can eat me. So then I give up and eat a bag of Cheetos instead.

All the thoughts of a turtle are turtle.-Ralph Waldo Emerson

The grocery store was out of the kind of yogurt I usually buy for Fiona so I bought a pack of Gogurt instead. This afternoon she asked for some. As I got her one I saw that the box says "8 turtles in every box."  I was totally disappointed to discover I'd misread it and it actually said "8 tubes in every box." I wanted the turtles.

Fashion is architecture: it is a matter of proportions.-Coco Chanel

Embarrassing confession time. Here is a picture of me wearing my Kiss Me I'm Irish Shirt. I knew this style is called a baby tee but....

 Here is my shirt along with one we bought Fiona in Disneyland last year. Hers is a child's extra small. I think I might not be dressing my age.

Does this mean I have to grow up? 'Cause I don't wanna.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.-Stephen Wright

It's my birthday. I thought about making myself a cake but that seemed kinda sad, also I don't actually like cake. Maybe I'll make cookies instead.

Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done.-Burt Reynolds

Back in the olden days when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and we all traveled in covered waggons my Mom was pregnant*. It was summer in Sacramento and as this was so very long ago there was no air conditioning. In other words Mom was hormonal, hot, and extra super cranky. So when she told my Dad in no uncertain terms that she was not going to be lugging a new born and all their laundry down to the laundry mat he did the smart thing and bought a washer and dryer.

The washer lasted until I was in my early 20's. The dryer actually came with me when I moved out of the house, though it died shortly after. Here's the thing I loved about that geriatric dryer. When you pulled your clothes out they were hot, not just warm but hot. In winter I would pour my fresh laundry on my bed and roll in their warmth, just like a dog.

Our modern energy efficient dryer doesn't do this. Sure you only have to put the laundry through one cycle (rather than 2 or 3 with the old dryer) and it's probably better not to cook my clothes. But the laundry is barely warm to the touch as I pull it out and it's totally cooled by the time I bring it down the hall to my room and this makes me sad.






* Not sure who I was calling old here Me or my Mom but I just liked this sentence.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.-Mark Twain

Does this happen to any one else?

Generally I don't look at page numbers while I'm reading. They really don't matter. But for some reason I always, and I mean quite literally always, glance at the page number when I get to page 100.

I don't know why my subconscious feels it should make note of page 100. This has never benefited me in any way.

Happy 4th. It would appear that I am back yay!

A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz.-Humphrey Bogart

Yesterday we went to a baseball game. Almost as soon as we sat down the guy in front of me asked if I'd watch his bag while he ran back up top for a minute. My first instinct was to wonder if it was a bomb. Luckily it wasn't

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.-Unknown

Anyone who says "you can't run away from your problems" obviously has not been chased by the Mummy.

I'm sad that I no longer have pet rabbits because I will never get to make Night of the Lepus 2. Maybe I can put bunny ears on the cat.

Am I the only person who thinks The Cat In The Hat was practicing home invasion?

Movies have taught me that if I lived in NYC I wouldn't be surprised to see a costumed hero or a monster crawl out of the sewer. In Tokyo I'd expect giant lizards.

I think I owe my cat an apology for having had a child.

People on cop shows drink a whole heck of a lot more coffee than can possibly be healthy.

Do you think if there was an eppisode of How it's Made for blister packs there would be lots of evil villain laughter and hand rubbing?

I spend hours deciding on the soundtrack for when they make a movie of my life?

Sorrow can be alleviated by good sleep, a bath and a glass of wine.-St. Thomas Aquinas

I wanted to take a nice bath. As the tub filled I tried to light the candles (yes I know cheesy, but I like it) but I couldn't get them to stay lit. This is when I discovered Fiona had pored watter in each of them. So I had to replace them all. Finally I got them to light but by the time I was done I'd used all but one of the matches in the book. So now I've got this book of match. I don't know what I'm ever going to do with one match but I refuse to throw it away. I have the vague sense that I might find myself in a McGuyver moment where I need that one match to save the world. So I put it back in my medicine cabinet.

This is the way my mind works.

I've done nudity. I'm an exhibitionist. It doesn't matter.-John Turturro

Like most small children Fiona is not modest. Most of the time I don't care, I think it's adorable when she runs around totally uninhibited. Though I'm working on not pulling her skirt up over her head when we're in public.

But there's this one thing that...bothers me.

After her bath when she's walking around with a towel wrapped around her shoulders she frequently has to adjust it (or maybe she just feels like flashing us) and she throws her arms wide with the towel behind her. It looks exactly, and I MEAN exactly like that one scene in The Silence of the Lambs. Come on, you know what I mean the one with Buffalo Bill uuuuuum dancing around.

Yeah it creeps me out more than I can say. And now that I've put that image in to all of your heads my work is done.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?-Satchel Paige

True story.

Several years ago on the way to a Halloween party (which is irrelevant)

Me: How old are you?

Dave: (insert age, I've forgotten what year this was)Did you actually forget how old I am?

Me: No, I forgot how old I am and I know you're one year older.

When theres no more room in hell the dead will walk the earth.-Deny Everything

Dave was playing his zombie game

Dave: Argh these guys move fast. How many times do I have to shoot em?

Me: Go for the head shot.

Dave: I keep running out of amo. How 'bout...argh I'm dead again. Okay try this again. Hey head shot you were right.

Me: You always have to shoot Zombies in the head. Doesn't everyone know that?

Aaaaaaaaand I'm just going to publish this because I'm proud of my geek knowledge.

An intellectual is someone who can listen to the "William Tell Overture" without thinking of the Lone Ranger.-John Chesson

Ya know what I miss about my last job?

I mean aside from the salary, benefits, and few cool people I worked with.

I miss the ghetto badly maintained building. Sure it was annoying that the ceiling tiles were falling down and we got leaks when it rained (we weren't even on the top floor) but because of all the old wiring and equipment we got evacuated approximately every six months and wound up with an impromptu half day off. The best time was the day Dave and I arrived in the morning and they wouldn't let anyone in because of some sort of gas leak so we got the whole day off.

If I were invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn't show up.-Dr. Seuss

Soooo you may not want to come over to my house for dinner...ever.

Since I'm at home all day I've become the primary dinner preparer. Any of you who've been around a while or know me in person will be aware that I'm...not much of a cook. I mean I don't serve "blackened" spaghetti sauce or anything. I can cook, just not very many things.

I can make three kinds of chicken, spaghetti, meatloaf, risotto, and...um...breakfast foods.

I know Dave gets bored. He doesn't complain or anything but after 13 years together I can read him pretty well. Also I take it as a clue when he doesn't eat what I make.

So I've been trying to expand my options. Looking up recipes on line. Trying new and different techniques and ingredients. I was even getting a little confident.

Last night I knew I was making chicken breast but once I started poking around I didn't have all the ingredients for any of the things I knew how to make. So I got creative combining different recipes. Dinner time came and I served chicken breast with mozzarella cheese (Parmesan or Asiago would be better but we didn't have any) and crumbled bacon and topped with a sauce made from butter, brandy, onions, broth, and cream. Sounds good hu? And it was too until I got halfway through the piece of chicken and noticed that it was still raw in the thickest part of the breast.

This is my first real fail at dinner. I just wish it wasn't a potential food poisoning situation. I've had salmonella poisoning before shudder.

Shrimp is the fruit of the sea.-Forrest Gump

Secretly my very most favoritest breakfast food ever is leftover shrimp fried rice. Shhhhhh don't tell.