My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.-Annon

Dave took Fiona to a local...I guess you'd call it a theme park but all the rides are for little kids. While they were there Dave sent me to below picture.The Re line of the email said, "Fiona asked me to take a picture of her butt."

Dude, what is wrong with our child?

Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance.-Ruth E. Renkel

Fiona brought us a picture she drew

Me: What color is that?

Fiona: Brown!

Me: And what things are brown?

Fiona: Blank stare

Dave: (Evil twinkle in his eye) Come here Fiona I'll tell you something brown.

Me: Dave no! Tell her chocolate.

Dave: (totally ignoring me, why do I try? Stage whisper) Poo poo is brown.

Fiona: (repeating faithfully) Poo poo is brown.

Me: (Shoots Dave disgusted look)

Fiona: No poo poo's not brown.

Me: She's got ya there, hers isn't always.

Fiona: Poo poo's green.

Me: So there Dave. (Sticks out tongue in most mature manner possible)

Dear Blogger,

Why are you publishing all my posts with F'd up formatting? I'd like them published the way I typed them thank you.

You may be free but you suck cheese.
Dani

Truth is the most valuable thing we have, so I try to conserve it.-Mark Twain

Latter on Sunday while watching Strawberry Shortcake. There was a horse or pony or something that was sad.

Fiona: Oh she's crying

Dave: 'Cause they're gonna eat her.

Fiona: Nooooo, you can't just eat a horse.

Dave: Well no, first ya gotta slaughter it.

Me: Hey Fiona, remember this morning when I told you not to listen to any thing Daddy says?

If bullshit was music, that fellow would be a brass band.-Paddy Crosbie

Mostly as a result of having worked together at a ridiculous number of places I've told probably a hundred people something along these lines.

"Never believe anything that comes out of Dave's mouth. Everything he says is bullshit."

And then he laughs because he knows I don't mean it as a bad way. I'm actually quite proud of his ability to lay out the most outlandish statement in an entirely plausible way.

However..... Sunday morning:

Dave: Do you want me to make you a pancake Fiona?

Fiona: No.

Me: You should say, "no thank you." Because it's nice of Daddy to offer even if you don't want a pancake.

Fiona: No thank you Daddy.

Dave: You should say, "No! I don't like it!"

Me: Don't ever listen to anything your father says it's all bullshit.

Zombies are the blue-collar monsters.-George Romero

Dave: This game is cool. it has a zombie mode where you take up a position and get to shoot wave after wave of zombies.



Me: Zombies are very trendy right now....That sentence shouldn't make sense.

If I were invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn't show up.-Dr. Seuss

Soooo you may not want to come over to my house for dinner...ever.

Since I'm at home all day I've become the primary dinner preparer. Any of you who've been around a while or know me in person will be aware that I'm...not much of a cook. I mean I don't serve "blackened" spaghetti sauce or anything. I can cook, just not very many things.

I can make three kinds of chicken, spaghetti, meatloaf, risotto, and...um...breakfast foods.

I know Dave gets bored. He doesn't complain or anything but after 13 years together I can read him pretty well. Also I take it as a clue when he doesn't eat what I make.

So I've been trying to expand my options. Looking up recipes on line. Trying new and different techniques and ingredients. I was even getting a little confident.

Last night I knew I was making chicken breast but once I started poking around I didn't have all the ingredients for any of the things I knew how to make. So I got creative combining different recipes. Dinner time came and I served chicken breast with mozzarella cheese (Parmesan or Asiago would be better but we didn't have any) and crumbled bacon and topped with a sauce made from butter, brandy, onions, broth, and cream. Sounds good hu? And it was too until I got halfway through the piece of chicken and noticed that it was still raw in the thickest part of the breast.

This is my first real fail at dinner. I just wish it wasn't a potential food poisoning situation. I've had salmonella poisoning before shudder.

Beware of the naked man who offers you his shirt.-Navjot Singh Sidhu

Dave was getting Fiona ready for a bath. I was in the living room reading a book. I could hear Dave saying something to Fiona but it was to low for me to understand. My attention was caught by a few words, "to Mama then come back here".



Suddenly Fiona bursts in to the room butt naked and screams, "STREAKIN'" before lapping my chair and returning to Dave in the bathroom.



Again someday she's going to hate me for posting this but I'll just remind her that in this case Daddy is the one she should blame.

'We've got to have rules and obey them. After all, we're not savages. The Lord of the Flies

Well this one was a little easier. It took me slightly less than 24 hours but it still felt like homework. It's a good story and well written and yes I think it was good for me to read it (kinda like 1984).


It's going to add even more metaphor to watching reruns of Lost.


Now I'm going to read Treasure Island (which btw they didn't have at the library)not so much to torture myself but because I got it used for $0.01 and need something to read. Besides it's either that or non fiction and I'm just not up to tackling that.

I saw something nasty in the woodshed!-Cold Comfort Farm

My yearly attempt to better myself by reading classics. Last year I was disappointed by Journey to the Center of the Earth, The year before that was 1984 which was work, and I've been vaguely grumpy about the whole habit since Wuthering Heights in '08. So I can't say I was very enthusiastic going in to Cold Comfort Farm.



Earlier this year I read another book by Stella Gibbons called Nightingale Woods. I didn't know until I was already reading it that it was sister book to a classic. Frankly I thought it was kind of stupid. Not terrible or anything but I don't intend to read it again.



I went to the library a couple weeks ago with a list of 25 or 30 books and could only find 2 both on my self improvement list and this was one of them. So I read it. I'm not really sure why it's considered a classic. I don't think it was very educational or that the writing was all that impressive but I did like it. Though (here's something I rarely say) if you're interested I'd say see if you can find a good movie version. It's just a silly little slightly romantic story not a great piece of literature.

Next I'm going to tackle The Lord of the Flies (the other book I could find at the library). I'm not very excited despite the fact that I've wanted to read it for years. It just feels like homework and I really hated homework. Then I'll feel I've done my literary penance for 2011 and can return to my regularly scheduled smutty romances and gory horror with the occasional mystery or fantasy thrown in.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.-Kurt Vonnegut

Pfttttttt



Fiona: I farted!



Me: Yes, you should say excuse me.



Fiona: No farts are for laughing.



Me: (biting the inside of my cheek) yes but you should still say excuse me.



Fiona: No! Farts are for laughing! Do you understand me?



And she looked so serious I of coarse lost it, cracked up, and completely failed to teach her a lesson about manners.

Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you.-Marsha Norman

Do you ever have one of those dreams that seems like it would make a great book or movie if only you could figure out the rest of the story and had any writing talent?



Those make me sad because I can never figure out the rest of the story and don't have any writing talent so they just drift away and are lost forever.

Rule No. 1:Never lose money.Rule No. 2:Never forget rule No. 1.-Warren Buffet

You know how sometimes a product will have a coupon stuck to the outside of it? The theory being you will be encouraged to buy the product if you can save a bit of money.

When I was at the store on Monday I saw a guy pulling the coupons of an entire end cap display of Pepsi.

How freaking greedy are you? I'll tell you what, if you need to save money that badly why don't you try not buying soda?

Holly trash Batman!

When red headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.-Mark Twain

The problem with bangs, at least the straight across kind I have at the moment...



Side story: Does any one else think it's weird that when I went to my parents house a couple weeks ago to go through more random stuff from my grandparents house (Hello packages of instant flan that expired in the late 1980's) neither of my parents noticed I suddenly have bangs? My Mom noticed my hair is currently red (well strawberry) which I've been in the habit of doing every year or so since I was seventeen but not that I have straight across actual bangs for the first time in just shy of twenty five years. Not even when we were discussing hair styles as I was cutting her hair because she didn't want to pay $12 to get it trimmed.



The problem with bangs is it's really hard to put on moisturizer or the really spiffy anti wrinkle serum I use without getting it in my hair.

Happy Birthday David!

Last week ended badly. Due to everyone in the house having the stomach flu, probably still being contagious, and a general feeling of not being in the mood due to some very sad news we called off the plans to go out tonight to celebrate Dave (and his twin brothers) birthday.

However the day should not pass unacknowledged. So my lovely assistant and I performed a culinary experiment.
Fiona was in charge of sprinkles. Admire her even distribution.

They did NOT come out the way I intended. However.....

Cool hu?

Happy birthday Dave. Love ya!

Edit:

Becky asked how I did this and I started to respond but then it got too long for a comment so I'm moving the explanation here.

They were supposed to be stripped. I saw some very vague instructions on line a couple weeks ago but either they weren't very complete or I didn't understand because that's not what I got. However as they did come out pretty cool here's what I did.

I used Vanilla cake mix but I'm sure any white or yellow cake mix will work. I separated it in to ramekins and added food coloring. The one pictured was just regular red, yellow, green, blue but I also made some using neon food coloring, we haven't bitten in to any of these yet so I can't report on how they look (if it's extra cool I'll upload a pic). Then I just layered the different colors in to the cupcake papers. What happened is it sort of erupted and came out tie dye, oddly the blue was actually on top but wound up in the middle after cooking.

Do me a favor if any of you try this out email me a picture or link(email info on the contact me page) 'cause I'd love to see how they came out. I'm wondering if I could get a cool swirly effect like marble cake.

There's a shortage of perfects breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.-The Princess Bride

Fiona: Your boobs are showing.

Me: (glances down at v neck) Yeah a little.

Fiona: I have little boobs.

Me: Um, yeah you do.

Fiona: Can we go to the store and buy toy boobs?

Me: giggle What?

Dave: I bet they exist.

Me: Probably but I'm not taking her in to one of those types of shops.




Note: Okay someday she's going to kill me for telling you this but you'd be amazed how many conversations we have about my boobs. She must get it from her father.

When a dog barks at the moon, then it is religion; but when he barks at strangers, it is patriotism!-David Starr Jordan

Our neighbors have 5 dogs. FIVE DOGS! Five either Beagle or part Beagle mixes (seriously a Beagle, a Puggle, then those two had three puppies). Now I don't know how familiar you are with Beagles and their ilk but they bark A LOT!



We're animal people so we try to be tolerant. Also we're renters so we want to be on good terms with the neighbors. Buuuuuuuut it's fairly annoying. Luckily the bedrooms are on the other side of the house so they don't keep us awake.



Our dogs don't bark much. Mostly only if someone rings the doorbell or tries to deliver a package. However....



We can't be all, "Our dogs are better than your dogs" because Sammy....Sammy Sammy Sammy. Sammy likes to go up to the fence and taunt the neighbors dogs. They go crazy all five of them barking like an axe wielding maniac has breached the perimeter and plans to turn the whole family in to kindling while Sammy stands there remaining quiet the whole time with a big ole doggy grin on her face.



I've always said Sammy it pretty much the stupidest dog in the history of stupid dogs. But I'm beginning to think she's got a sneaky kind of cunning to her.



Bad dog Sammy!

Well I guess I got the better end of the deal over the weekend. Fiona came down with a stomach bug in Tahoe. She's mostly better but Dave came down with it last night after they got home. So I'm taking care of them both today. I'm sure I was exposed to it thoroughly before we realised Dave was sick so....since Dave got it about two days after Fiona if I'm going to get it I should get sick Wednesday or Thursday. Yay!

I hope no one else who was in Tahoe caught it. I realise that's probably wishful thinking.

Correct English is the slang of prigs who write history and essays.-George Eliot

You know that thing parents do where you spell things out so the kids don't know what you are saying?



We reached that point a while ago the only problem....neither of us can spell. This is not an effective mode of communication.

Shrimp is the fruit of the sea.-Forrest Gump

Secretly my very most favoritest breakfast food ever is leftover shrimp fried rice. Shhhhhh don't tell.

I keep coming back to you in my head, but you couldn't know that, and I have no carbons.-Adrienne Rich

Dave and Fiona are back off to the snow and once again I remain home enjoying some quality Dani time FOR AN ENTIRE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Sure AK is irritated with me because I'm not coming along to hang with them. But to that I say, "Nah nah nah nah nah. I get free time and you don't."



A few of the things I plan to do with all that free time.



Watch non kid friendly movies

Eat whatever I feel like

Take several long hot baths

Dance around in front of the mirror as I always do when no one is around (I make no apologies)

Sleep in as late as I want

Stay in my pajamas (old ratty t-shirt and stretch pants) from the time I get up until I go back to bed

Possibly spend the whole day in bed



Ahhhhhh



I will miss them

Always keep a song in your heart - it's like karaoke for the voices in your head.-Robert Fulton Abernethy

Have you ever gone to Karaoke? I used to go pretty often though it's been several years.



Well there are two types of people who enjoy Karaoke.



1. People who are there to have fun and sing their little hearts out even if they can't carry a tune in a bucket.



2. People who take it very very seriously and get pissed when you drunkenly giggle at their rendition of Wind Beneath My Wings (true story).



I think parenting is a bit like Karaoke.



There are people like me who are flying by the seat of our pants and not sweating the small stuff figuring if our kids grow up not to be serial killers we will have succeeded.



And people who treat every single milestone as a life or death struggle and get really pissed that one you aren't following their glowing example and two you just offered their kid a non healthy treat.



Sure parenting is important and we should do our best to raise great kids but come on people it's supposed to be fun. Laugh at the poop, enjoy those sticky hugs, and don't worry about what everyone else thinks.

Be smart, but never show it.-Louis B. Mayer

Have you ever had a job with specialized knowledge? Sure you have....every company has their own little systems and procedures that you will never be able to use in any other part of your life.



Well have you ever had an unexpected opportunity to use some knowledge from an old job that you thought was never ever going to be of use again?



That JUST happened to me and it feels AWESOME. I feel like James Bond, Sherlock Holmes, or Einstein because I am so cool/intuitive/smart. I knew not only that something was wrong but what.



Here's what happened. I ordered a used CD from Amazon. I think it cost $1.98. It just arrived. I could tell as I opened the package that the jewel case was thinner than normal but was not yet alarmed. As I slid it out of the package it was obvious it was an after market case. Still no biggie maybe the original case got all banged up. But then the case slid and I could see the back plate (ya know the back part that usually has the list of songs and sits under the cradle for the actual CD) was just floating around free not attached to anything. Okay that's a bit ghetto but wait there's more....near the top of what should have been the spine of the case is a cut. Dun Dun DUUUUUUUUUUUN!



Oh the suspense!



You are so excited right now I know, I know.



Man this is riveting stuff.



Here's where my super useful past job knowledge comes in. Cutting through the jewel case and the spine of the back plate is one of the ways record companies mark something as a promotional item. I have lots and lots of promos because I used to work in a music store and I know it's illegal to sell them. Technically promos remain the property of the record company but they never ask for them back.



I totally don't care that it's a promo. Like I said I have others. I'll probably loose the packaging any way. But I did send an email to Amazon letting them know what happened since they may want to know. I might not even have done that if it was an individual selling it but it was an online used CD store and they should know better.



Sure I felt like a bit of a tool for narking them out but the I am so cool because I know about promo CD's was way stronger.

Ford? There's an infinite number of monkeys outside who want to talk to us about this script for 'Hamlet' they've worked out-Douglas Adams

Speach to the kitty



Me: No Vladi. No Cheetos for you. You only get Cheetos if you have opposable thumbs. If you were a monkey you could have Cheetos. It would be sweet to have a pet monkey to share my Cheetos with.