And This is Why I Want to Drink

I'm sorry I've been slow updating the quote of the day. I have been insanely busy with work and a sick child. She's almost better but she's not sleeping well at all. You know how badly baby's sleep when you first bring them home? Yeah, like that. Dave and I are both exhausted and I at least am sore.

Anyway I don't have my list of quotes on this computer but I just updated it with something I knew by heart. It's got nothing to do with anything posted I'm just fond of that story.

Salty and Sweet

Somehow I picked up the phrase, " I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers." from my Mom. It's used in reference to someone hot. I honestly couldn't tell you why I would be talking about something like that with my Mom but I'm pretty sure we were discussing Brad Pitt so there ya go.

Last night I went to get in to bed and there were crushed saltines between the sheets on my side of the bed. Apparently Dave was feeding Fiona crackers.

Ya know I love them both but neither of em is Brad Pitt.

My Glass House

I have a good friend who invariably every day spends part of the afternoon complaining to me about not feeling well and or being tired. It doesn't really bother me most of the time, it's just how she is. Some people aren't happy unless there's something to complain about.

However the other day I got frustrated at constantly trying to seem sincerely sympathetic. I began thinking of of the various less pleasant traits some of my friends have had over the years. Suddenly I stopped short and wondered what they would say about me?

Feel free to comment. I can't guarantee I'll publish them if they're too critical though lol.

Musical Prodigy

My Brother in law (P) is one of those people who can just pick up a musical instrument and start playing. There are moments when this makes me want to smack him but since that's only because I'm blindingly jealous and he's actually a super cool guy who doesn't deserve my abuse I refrain. Last weekend when we were over at their house someone (not sure if it was Dave or P) decided to see what would happen if they let Fiona play the drums.

Now I know I'm biased but considering she's only 16 months old I think she's pretty good. She also plays our piano at home. It seems my hope that she'll be musical may come to fruition.

Desert Foods Aren't Always Right

My Fortune cookie said ,"You will take a chance in the near future, and win." Should I buy a lotery ticket?



BTW: I've been meaning to say this for a while but the title of this post is a quote. I used it in another post (not sure if my link is working, if not I'll fix it soon). It's from a Simpsons episode where Homer get's a cookie that sais, "You will find happiness with a new love." and almost cheats on Marge. I know (from coments) that Colleen tried to find the source and I wanted to #1 acknowledge that it was way cool of her to look. She's an awesome lady! & #2 let ya'll know what it's from incase it was bothering anyone.

Perhaps Hannibal Lecter

I was at the book store one day browsing in the books on CD section when I noticed a large boxed set. The Holly Bible (unabridged) read by James Earl Jones. Now it's not that I don't find his voice mellifluous but Darth Vader probably wouldn't be my first choice to read the Bible.

Ode to Fiona's Cold

You scream and cry
Dave feels your head
You're much to warm
You sleep in our bed

We try to sleep
With you between
We toss and turn
And still you scream

No sleep for two nights
It isn't right
Finally no fever
You slept through the night

Love ya baby girl. Sorry I brought home that cold.

I don't know why colds seem to inspire me to write doggerel.

On Demand

Movies we will make Fiona watch, for her own good

Star Wars (All three, ya know the good ones)

Watership Down (then I'll give her the book)

The Muppet Movie (Before they went all Hollywood)

Dracula (She is my daughter after all)

Planes Trains & Automobiles (Dave's contribution, I've never seen it)

The Fugitive (We agree on this one)

The Shawshank Redemption (And then I'll give her this book too, Different Seasons by Stephen King)

Team America World Police (When she is much, much,.....much older)


Michelle asked for this list but I'm sorry I don't remember which post or I'd make a link.

Don't Ask Why I Was Doing This

Conversation while trimming Dave's nails.

Me: Damn you've got thick nails. If Fiona inherits both our nails she's going to have adamantium claws.

Alright it's not really a conversation since Dave didn't respond but it's still true. By the way no I never saw any of the movies. And while we're on the subject I'm irritated that now people are actually going to get why I named our dog Gambit and they're going to say, "Oh you named him after that character in that movie" and I'm gonna be all, "He's freaking nine."

I'm far to cool to be talking to these people!

Weird But True

Ya know how I always know it's time to change jobs?

I start having anxiety dreams about taking the cat to work with me. This has been true for 4 jobs and two cats.

A Day in the Life of Vladi

Saturday 7:20 am asleep at Moms feet. Hairless sister starts to make noise in the other room. I go to check on her Mom follows.


7:25 am after supervising the diaper change I lead Mom and hairless sister out to living room. Hairless sister scatters her things around room. Mom and I lay on couch still sleepy until hairless sister sees me and comes over. Perhaps I'll go check in on Dad who's still in the bedroom.


8:30 Dad gets up and goes to living room. I go outside and investigate over sized rodents (Evil bunnies). Whoa buddy okay okay I'll leave you alone. Did anyone see me get schooled by that rodent? Let's see what's happening back in the house.


9:20 Dad makes me dance the hornpipe. What's up with that? I'm gonna go sit with Mom and hairless sister. Now this is nice. Mom scratches my ears and butt and gives me kisses. Hairless sister gives me a few kisses too. Hu she's kind of sweet for someone who doesn't have fur.


9:45 Yummm I smell milk. I perch on the hassock by Dad to see what he's eating. Mom tells me, "No Vladi you can't have gram crackers." Who said anything about crackers, I want what's in Dad's glass.


10:10 Hairless sister takes a nap. I have some free time then. I think I'll go sleep in Mom's under ware drawer she loves that.

10:30 Mom makes me leave under ware drawer. Go to find comfy spot in yard to sleep for the next few hours.

1:15 Mom comes out looking for me and says, "Oh I thought I heard you meowing like you were trapped somewhere." Mental note ventriloquism lessons were a good investment.

3:45 Hairless sister interrupts Dad while he's trying to use the computer. What's she thinking? It's only cute when I do that.

5:00 Dad takes hairless sister and hairy brother and sister on a walk. I seize the opportunity to be the centre of Mom's attention. Much butt scratching and purring ensues.

7:30 hairless sister is in bed Mom and Dad are relaxing in living room. Time for some love.
Jump on large chair and rub on Mom's book until she pets me.

7:45 Jump to the couch and head but Dad's arm until he pets me.

8:00 Jump on large chair and rub on Mom's book until she pets me.

8:15 Jump to the couch and head but Dad's arm until he pets me.

8:30 Jump on large chair and rub on Mom's book until she pets me.

8:45 Jump to the couch and head but Dad's arm until he pets me.

10:30 Go outside to enjoy the evening. I should really get Mom something. She's so great and I haven't given her a present in a while. Now what would she like? Maybe a nice stick. You can never have to many sticks. Yes I think a stick will be perfect.

2:30 am Meow meow meow. Mom sticks he head out the pet door. "Yes Vladi that's a nice stick now shut up." she yawns. I did good. Go in side to lay next to Mom's pillow and get some love.

Oh the Horror!

Do you know what hurts? Having a 16 month old stick her tiny sharp fingernail under your toenail. Geez kid I might need that someday!

This is Why We Have Dogs

1:30 Am

Front door knock knock knock

Sammy & Gambit: Woof woof bark snarl howl (translation, get the F**k away from our yard)

Me: Did someone just knock?

Dave: Yes. Get the phone.

I grabbed the phone and dialed 911 but didn't hit send while Dave went to the door with a weapon and looked out the peep hole. Who ever knocked was gone. Amazingly Fiona slept through everything. Dave called the cops. We knew it was probably just kids, but this knocking on the door in the middle of the night thing has been a recent home invasion technique in the city we live in (not our neighborhood thank goodness)

I knelt down facing the dogs put my left arm around Gambit and my right around Sammy.

Me: That was exactly the right thing to do guys. Normally I don't want you barking in the middle of the night but if someone is trying to get in you can scare them off. You're good dogs!

Of coarse that's not really why we have the dogs but scaring away potential bad guys is a plus.

By the way the cops told us that we were doing the right thing by calling them. We also found out this morning from a neighbor that there were some people in his yard last night too.

Again it was probably just kids but either way the dogs must have scared the pee out of em and I'm fine with that.

Words That Are Fun to Say V1 (I Suspect I May Have More)

Beverage
Visa
Tam O' Shanter
Frosty
Laconic
Arbitrary
Stagnant
Anthropomorphic
Finagle
Stagnate
Lackadaisical
Beastie
Iconoclast
Tarnish

One night Dave and I went to a comedy show at the Punchline in Sacramento. They had a two drink minimum and Dave was driving so you know what that means, I had four Mai Tai's. A good time was had by all until it was time for the drive home. I was feeling pretty good and talking Dave's ear off and then we drove past a Taco stand. For what ever reason that night I thought the word taco was the funniest thing ever. The drive home went like this.

"Taco, (giggle) Taaaaaacooooooo, (giggle) Tacooooooooo, (giggle giggle cackle snort) TAAAAAAAAACO!" Uncontrollable laughing while tears ran down my face and I tried to catch my breath. Eventually I got myself under enough control to ask Dave if I was being annoying and he was sweet enough to say no but he was lying.

This is What Being Mature Gets You

Back in the good old days when we all lived in caves, fire was the hot new invention (pun totally intended), and the wheel was the next big thing I worked in a video store.

In said video store we had one section that was adult only, if ya know what I mean (and if you don't, seriously you should get out more). Like all the other non adult only sections this section occasionally needed to be straightened up and re-alphabetized. If my boss asked any of the guys to do it they would take forever* and if she asked most of the girls to do it they'd freak out, "Oh my God that's gross!" so you know who she always picked? Lucky lucky me.

Not that there's anything wrong with the genre but I didn't like being in there when customers came in. They always looked speculative in a way that made me....uncomfortable isn't a strong enough word.

*This is not to imply that all guys are obsessed with porn but these guys were mostly just 18 so it was forbidden fruit.

One of Those Days

I'm gonna go home and chug a bottle of wine then open another one.

Passing On My Wisdom to the Next Generation

During the coarse of my 33 years of cat ownership I've developed a theory when it comes to training. Cat's don't respond to the same type of discipline as dogs or people. If you smack the cat's butt for peeing on the floor the cat just makes plans to pee on your pillow when you're not looking.



What does work, for me at least, is humiliation. It shows the cat who's boss. I am bigger than you kitty and I'm way more mean despite my lack of claws (actually my nails ARE pretty long).



For example Vladi doesn't like bare skin. So if he makes me mad I'll pick him up and rub him all over my belly. I know it sounds crazy but it works.



As I've explained before he and Fiona worship each other. But because she hasn't always been as gentle with him as she is now he doesn't entirely trust her. Last weekend Fiona, Vladi and I were sitting on the big arm chair in our living room and she was trying to pet him. After a while he didn't want her touching him anymore so he sort of pretended to bite her. He didn't actually get any ware near her he just let her know he wasn't happy. However she's the human so she out ranks him and I think he needs to know that. So I decided to teach Fiona proper cat discipline I picked him up turned him on his back (which he hates) got a firm grasp on his paws (safety first) and burzurped his belly. If he could shoot fire out his eyes I'd be one crispy critter. Fiona laughed and laughed. She may look like Daddy but she's her mothers daughter.

Pride & Prejudice & Zombies by Jane Austin and Seth Grahame-Smith

If you liked Sean of the Dead.
If you thought Evil Dead the Musical was a good idea.
Or if you're just kind of warped then this book is for you.
I loved this book. It is exactly the kind of thing I would like. It's witty, it's well written, it's dark, and it's irreverent.

I don't think you need to be familiar with the classic Pride and Prejudice to appreciate this book but if you are familiar it's even funnier.

Occasionally one of the characters would say of do something inappropriate to the original and I'd be distracted for a minute but then I'd think, "Oh yeah and there are Zombies too."

Mr. Darcy repeatedly made a fairly crude joke I won't repeat here in case your boss or child walks behind you while you read this. I found it extra funny because it sounded so much like Dave.

In places it reads like a game of mad libs. As played with someone clever with a good vocabulary rather than as played when I was a child and "fart" was the funniest word I knew. I particularly liked the phrase Manky Dreadfulls which I'm going to work in to conversation ALL THE TIME.

It also reminds me of a song we used to sing at camp when I was a kid. It was sung by two groups and went like this. First someone would name a nursery rhyme. I'm going to use Three Little Kittens but any nursery rhyme works.

1st group: Three little kitten lost their mittens didn't know where to find them. Mother dear see here see here we threw them out the window

2nd group: The what?

1st group: The window

2nd group: Oh no

1st group: The second storry window

Both: With a heave and a ho and a mighty throw we threw them out the window.

Substitute Zombie for window and you get the idea.

To make this ever better on top of Zombies there are also Ninjas. And really what could be cooler than Zombies and Ninjas? Nothing unless they threw in Vampires but that might just be me.

Happy Easter

When I showed Fiona this last one she shook her head and looked at me like, "What's wrong with you lady." I took that as a fine endorsement.

I Shouldn't be Allowed to Think

I was in the bathroom washing my hands. I looked in the mirror to make sure my hair wasn't doing anything crazy and my clothes were still covering everything that should be hidden in public and thought, "I have a nice neck."

Where did that come from?

More on Cookiegate

BTW I should tell you that Dave was the one who found the article about Cookie Monster and now he doesn't want to let Fiona watch Sesame Street any more.

Also I have C is For Cookie on my ipod along with I Love Trash and Rubber Duckie and they were on there before I had kids.

My poor 4 year old self is huddled in a corner crying and wondering why grown ups are so mean.

Cookie Nazis

As I said in my very first post ever, "Sesame Street was way cooler when I was a kid.". Now they've gone to far. Cookie Monster will be preaching about healthy eating and singing a song about how cookies are only ok some of the time.

I don't mind if they want to teach healthy eating habits. That's a good thing but couldn't they have used a different spokes monster? Use Elmo he's already lame.

Come on people yeah it's supposed to be educational but can't some things just be fun? What's next Oscar the Neat Freak? I had another joke at Bert & Ernie's expense but then I'd be no better than the people I'm complaining about.

It's funny how much this pisses me off (I was going to say irritates me but that's not accurate). It's like they traveled back in time to my child hood and walked up to my four year old self and punched me in the gut.

Not letting Cookie Monster preach the gospel of cookies is censorship. It's cookie discrimination. It's super duper lame.

Here is the link to the article that got me started but I bet you can find others if your interested.

And here is the way I will always remember Cookie Monster.




I like to watch Sesame Street on the Spanish channels. I don't understand what they're saying so it doesn't make me mad, Plaza Sesemo is fun to say, and Big Bird has a cool punk rock hairdo.

My First Job

I was riding the school bus home chatting with my friend who also lived next door to me when I casually mentioned that I wanted to get a job. Now since I was twelve what I really meant was "I want to get some money" since no one was going to hire a twelve year old and I had no clue how to apply for a job any way. Fate however was smiling at me (I didn't realise until later that fate was also laughing and pointing at me but that's life) and a girl I didn't really know who was sitting in the next seat heard me and said she worked at a kennel and they needed another worker.

A couple days latter I went with my new friend to meet her boss. The interview went something like this.

Boss: Have you ever worked with dogs before.

Me: Well we have a dog. I feed her sometimes.

Boss: Your hired.

So began my employment history. I fed the dogs, cleaned the runs (yep dog poo), and washed their bowls from the last meal. And I got paid really well considering, about $100 a week. I bought a stereo (the one with the dubbing deck and the record player that I still have) and a leather jacket. I worked there for two years.


Here are a few things I took away from that experience.

A friend. The girl who got me the job is still my friend (Uh 22 years later) although I don't talk to her often.

I don't like Pomeranians. They are mean little rat dogs. If you have one yours may be great but the one's I've known were not nice.

I do like Corgi's. So I could totally sit down with the Queen of England and have something to chat about.

When you remove the kennel from you resume because no one is impressed with how responsible you were at twelve you're a grown up.

This is So Me & A Couple of You, Enjoy

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Note To People Without Kids

Don't complain to me about being tired.You will get no sympathy from me, or any other parent for that matter.

Geting Old Sucks Cheese

Last week my Great Grandma Emma died. I wasn't actually related to Emma. My great grandparents were divorced which was quite scandalous at the time. My Great Grandpa met Emma in her home country of Mexico.

Note: I used to love telling people my Great Grandma was from Mexico.They always looked totally confused because I am the whitest white girl ever.

Emma owned a beauty salon and when I was a kid she was the person who cut my hair. When at six I decided to trim my own bangs she took one look at me and said, "Aye, aye, aye!" (a phrase which I have cheerfully used ever since).

When she got excited she'd lapse into Spanish without realising it. She was so happy when I tried to carry on a conversation with her after I started learning Spanish in school.

Every single time she called our house the conversation went exactly like this"

Emma: Hello Kelly guess who this is.

Me: Hi Grandma Emma!

Emma: How did you know?

Me: (Umm you're the only person with a Mexican accent who calls and says "Hello Kelly guess who this is?")I recognized your voice.

Emma: How big are you now? (meaning how old was I)

Me: I'm (insert age)

Emma: Can you imagine? (another phrase I use ALL THE TIME)

Emma and my Great Grandpa moved to Texas for his health when I was in my teens. I missed her long before now but I've lost the chance to say good bye. I love you Emma! Always did, always will.

Something I Should NOT Have Had to Ask My Self

As I walked in to work I wondered, "Am I wearing under ware?"

The answer as always was, "Yes."

The #1 Rule In The Daniverse

I was having one of those mornings. The alarm didn't go off so I was running late. I couldn't find two socks that match. I got toothpaste on my shirt and had to change. Finally I was almost ready to go. I leaned down to tie my shoe and my pants split all the way up the back. I paused, took a deep breath, stood calmly up, removed the ruined pants and got back in bed.

That was the day that I decided that sometimes the universe wants you to take a day off.

Now I Get The People Who Brush Teir Teeth at Work

We had pizza for lunch. Dave had peperoni and I had combination. I LOVE olives but Dave doesn't so the only time I can have them is when getting pizza by the slice. It was yummy and delicious and I enjoyed the olives very much.

Tonight I had to run to the store for a few things; dog food, cream for tomorrows coffee. Out of nowhere as I left the store I found a piece of olive in my tooth large enough that it required chewing. Ewwwwwwwww.


Update. I wasn't going to publish this tonight but Fiona pushed the button. Apparently she wants you all to scoff at my hygiene.

Makes Me Feel All Special

I love Jeopardy. I could never actually be a contestant because I'm only good on a limited number of subjects, also I NEVER remember to phrase my answer in the form of a question.

I always feel so proud when I know the answers and if I know it and the contestants don't well that just makes my day. Last week there was one night where I knew the answer to final Jeopardy and two of the contestants got it wrong (it was Anubis). I'm still enjoying the glow of that one.

One time I turned it on while I was doing some chores so I wasn't really paying attention but after a while I realized I was kicking butt. I knew all the answers and the contestants were barely getting half of them. I felt so smug and was getting pretty full of myself until they came back from a commercial break and I realised it was the Junior Championship. So I guess I did learn a couple things in High School after all.

My Family Legend

When my parents were young they moved in to an apartment where there was one closet they couldn't get in to because the door was stuck. Eventually they did get the door open and soon after that they began seeing The Little Man. You know how sometimes you see something out of the corner of you eye but when you turn there's nothing there? My parents started having this happen a lot and eventually discovered that they both thought it was a small man something like one of the seven dwarfs but not really.

There is a poem by William Hughes Mearns that goes like this

Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
Oh, how I wish he'd go away...

This is where The Little Man got his name although in my family when we quote this poem we change the last line to "Gee I hope he's come to stay".

Eventually they decided to start a family (enter tiny baby Dani) and bought a house. It was a great old Victorian house. It had been the guest house to the Lieutenant Governor's Mansion (the actual mansion burned down a hundred or so years go), and a boarding house, and something a little disreputable like a brothel or speak easy but I don't remember that part of the story.

The Little Man came with us to the new house. According to my Mom their theory was that The Little Man had been stuck in that closet in the apartment and they let him out. He wasn't scary or mischievous just shy but apparently he liked our family so he came to the new house.

When I was three we moved to another city and The Little Man came with us again. This house was split level built in to a hill so there was a place under the house that was basically a cave. This was The Little Mans domain. I'm not sure why we believed he lived down there but we all did and respected his space (we didn't have any good reason to go in there any way).

Now up to this point I've been recounting my parents story and you may think this was just their explanation for that thinking you see something phenomenon. Or something they told me to keep me out of the crawl space. Or maybe just a charming story they perpetuated just to be cute. However when I was about seven or eight I started seeing The Little Man too.

The first time I saw him it was the middle of the night and I'd gotten up to get a drink of watter. When I walked in to the kitchen I put my Ewok (yes I had a stuffed Ewok) on the kitchen table because getting watter was a two handed project. As I stood at the sink I could see the table and the door way out of the corner of my eye. The Little Man came in and picked up my Ewok curiously and examined her. I froze in surprise. He put her back down smiled vaguely in my direction as if to say, "Don't let me disturb you. I'll come back latter, when this place is less crowded" and walked away. I turned and stared at where I was sure I'd seen him. My primary emotion was irritation that he'd picked up my toy but under that was excitement that I now knew what my parents were talking about. I saw him from time to time after that, perhaps a couple times a year.

When I was twelve we moved again. It was quite a while before we realised that none of us had seen The Little Man since we moved. I think he liked the area he had to live in under the previous house and stayed. None of us ever saw the little man again.

You don't have to believe in The Little Man but I do. I like to keep an open mind.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Hamlet Act 1 Scene 5

About To Show My Age

I'm not the most technically savvy person on the planet which is why after almost 4 years of owning an ipod I only learned how to make a play list a few months ago. Do you realize what a play list is? It's the modern equivalent of the mix tape.



I used to be the queen of the mix tape. I had a dubbing deck (still do actually and a record player too) and I made lots of tapes for friends. My very best mix tapes however were for myself. I had one with all my favorite Guns N' Roses songs, one with songs I liked to sing, and one specifically for being played at parties (though I don't think it ever was). The pinnacle of my mix tape making art though were the series I titled Love Songs 1-3. The Love Songs tapes included all the romantic songs in my Heavy Metal laden catalogue and all the power ballads which weren't necessarily romantic in any way (Cemetery Gates anyone?) I would listen to these tapes in bed with headphones on and enjoy being depressed about the fact that I was 15 and single, a tragedy of epic proportions.



For some reason my mix tape making skill didn't translate as well to CD's. Possibly this was because I was no longer a single teenager what with having a very cute boyfriend named Dave or it may have to to with the lack of technical ability I mentioned above. I did however miss my Love Songs tapes so I tried to recreate one on CD. I called it Music for the Depressed to laugh at my self.



Music for the Depressed included

Love Song-Tesla

Don't Know What You Got Till it's Gone-Cinderella

She Talks to Angles-The Black Crowes

To Be With You-Mr. Big

Cemetery Gates-Panterra (Sorry I still like that song)

Love Bites-Def Leopard (I think I hit skip every time this came on, there's a long story there)

I Remember You-Skid Row

And probably others that I can't remember



Sadly this disk got smashed recently but this gives me the opportunity to make a Love Songs play list. Perhaps I'll call this one Hormonal Angst.