Antique?

I took this picture of my dried wedding bouquet and then I messed around with it and to me it looks like an antique photo which I think is cool.

Brilliant Marketing Plan

Back when I worked retail the corporate management used to come up with some insanely bad ideas that they would implement thinking it would improve business. For example drastically reducing our inventory. The idea was that with less stock we could arrange the items to be more aesthetically pleasing, the customers however complained that there was no selection.

My favorite bad idea was this. They decided that we needed to focus on good customer service, which isn't a bad plan however, to advertise this they made buttons they wanted all the associates to wear that said, "we sell satisfaction." I happened to be in the back room when the box of buttons was opened with two other employees and my boss all of whom were also female. We looked at the buttons in silence for about 30 seconds. I looked my boss straight in the eye and said, "I'm not wearing one of those." My coworkers seconded the motion and my boss said there was no way she'd ask us to. Within a week corporate sent out a memo scraping the plan as it was brought to their attention that the phrase could be interpreted as suggestive. That was money well spent.

The Genius of Dave

I could explain how we got to this point in the conversation but it's not important or interesting.



Me: Ponies are a completely different animal from Horses. They're smaller.



Dave: The weird ones are those miniature horses.



Me: (Nods head sagely at this wisdom)



Dave: What would be great is if you got a monkey and dressed it up like a cowboy and made it ride the mini horse.



Me: Like for a party or for anytime?



Dave: For anytime. Then when people came over and saw the monkey riding the horse they'd know how awesome you were.

To Boldly Go....Nowhere

I would not like to live on the star ship Enterprise. Not because of all the getting attacked and possibly dying (and lets face it I look good in red) but because I think the actual living on the ship part would be really really boring.

Think about it, all they have for entertainment is that bar where no one ever seems to get a buzz and the holodeck. So alright you could got virtual hiking or whatever but what if you just want to go shopping and not for those hideous unitards they all wore (the actors must have had to work out all the time...or invest in a lot of spanks)? What if you want to adopt a puppy? The Enterprise is puppy free. Do you want to live in a puppy free universe? I don't.

How about if you had something you wanted to keep private. Ya know like if you had a foot fetish or enjoyed dressing up in your grandmas clothes (side note: I've actually seen granny tranys so I'm not making that one up), or you caught something embarrassing you don't want to go to the ships doctor about. It would be hard to keep your private life private.

Dave pointed out that it would also be hard to get crack. I suspect you have to pass random drug tests to be a crew member so I doubt there'd be a big demand for crack but he's right.

How about if someone you work with is annoying? I used to work with this woman who drove me up the wall, she was perfectly nice to me but she thought the world was going to end soon and was collecting caned food so she'd be prepared (I'm not kidding) she was also on her 5th husband and wanted to give me relationship advise. Can you imagine not only having to work with someone like that but live with them too. I wonder what the homicide statistics were for the Enterprise.

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

Alright I know this books been out for years and if you wanted to read it you probably already have but I just finished it and here are my thoughts.

#1. I know I said I rarely read non fiction but the last two book I read were non fiction. I figured out why I liked these, it's like my TV viewing. Someones got to die. Not sure what that says about me but there ya go.

#2. I saw this movie in the theatre and I'm pretty sure I was on a date but it came out before I ever met Dave. So now it's driving me up the wall trying to figure out who I was with. Is this important? No of coarse not but that doesn't stop it from annoying me.

#3. The book isn't really about the murder. Yes the murder is the central event that ties the whole thing together but there's a lot of other interesting people and events portrayed. It makes me want to visit Savannah GA.

Now I'm reading a truly awful romance novel. It's so bad it's good (like all my favorite movies). I usually only read romance novels when I travel, I'm stressed out, or I'm to darn tired to read anything else. They're like junk food. You know they're bad for you but sometimes you just want something easy.

Also I have to confess it's about Vampires and well lets face it I like Vampires.

Next I'm going to read 1984 because I never have. I wonder if I'll like it. I'm sure I'll let you know.

Ya Know What I Hate About Computers?

They never work. Ahhhhhhh so slooooooooooow!

Anticipation

I bought new jeans. I'm excited but I don't get to wear them until Friday. Stupid office wanting me to be "professional" Pfft!

The other pair are still missing and although I will always miss them in a way, I've moved on to the acceptance stage of grief.

Hey am I the only person who thought of Frank N' Furter, "I see you shiver with Antici.........pation"? No? Just me? Hu oh well go on about your day.

Saturday Night Whille Watching Apolo 13

Me: Have Tom Hanks and Kevin Spacey ever been in a movie together?

Dave: (Thinks about it) I don't think so.

Me: That would be a good movie.....unless it sucked

My Very First Posting onYoutube

Stupid Clouds

It's supposed to rain all weekend. I am not excited by this.

The Mystery of the Vanishing Pants

I need to buy some new jeans. I've been telling myself no the ones I have are pretty new but I realized this morning the the last time I bought any was 2 jobs ago which means at least three years. And they are starting to look too run down for wearing to work.

The weird thing is before I got pregnant I had 4 pairs. But of coarse those were one of the first things I wasn't able to wear so I folded them up and put them away in my closet. When I was able to get back in to them I went in to my closet and there are only 3 pairs.

Did the sock eating monster that lives in the dryer get to them? Did I take them off somewhere and leave them (seems unlikely) ? Did I put them somewhere other than my closet when I was suffering from pregnant brain? Did I really only have 3 pairs to begin with? It's been bugging me for months and I may never know the answers.

Where did my pants go?

We Have Lift Off

Last night we were picking Fiona up from my parents house. After we both spent a couple minutes cuddling her Dave set her back down in the middle of some toys and she remained standing after he let go. It looked for a second like she was going to fall down but she moved one foot to a more supportive stance.

Wait did you hear what I just said? That was a first step. We were very excited so we kept trying to encourage her to take more but she wasn't interested.

Eventually she was standing up holding on to my Mom's pants with one hand and reaching for me with the other. I scooted back to just outside her reach and encouraged, "Let go of Grandma and come to Mama." she laughed at me and did let go of Grandma only to grab the speaker next to her which put me within reach again. "Clever girl but I can move too." I scooted back another few inches. She grabbed a cardboard box leaning against the speaker. I scooted again and we came to a pivotal moment the box couldn't support her and there wasn't anything else to grab that would bring her closer to me. She let go of the box stood still for a couple seconds and then took 2-3 steps to me (I'm not sure if she grabbed my hand before the third step or after). Everyone erupted in cheers and clapping except me. I was too busy giving her hugs and kisses and exclaiming how proud I was. She was very please with herself and when the clamor died down she looked around, shouted "Yay!", and clapped her hands.

I was worried in a nebulous sort of way that she'd take her first steps when we weren't there. I was so happy we got to see this milestone.

More Classy Behavior

The Novato school district (where I went to Jr. High & High school) has a police officer assigned as a liaison with the school children. His job was to come around and give us speeches about how cool it was to behave. He spent time with the older kids to pretend he wanted to be your buddy and made an effort to know the names of the kids who tended to get in trouble. Generally we thought he was a dork (actually the word I want to use is douche bag but I'm refraining. Oh wait.) and the buddy buddy thing gave him a creptastic pedophile vibe.

Now I was never one of the bad kids and though I found him annoying I gave him the benefit of the doubt and figured he was just Ned Flanders in a uniform until one day I was sick and I was waiting out in front of the school for my Mom to come pick me up. He drove up parked in the handicapped spot and walked past me in to the office. Yeah way to set an example there officer.

They Gave Me the Good Stuff

When I was pregnant (don't worry this one's not going to turn in to a Fiona story, at least not really) I was extremely nervous about the entire process of getting the baby out. I never liked the idea of giving birth but accepted it as necessary if you want to have kids (well your own kids, believe me I considered adoption).

You see I've never broken a bone, never had a tooth pulled (heck never had a cavity), never had a serious injury or medical procedure. I was (and frankly still am) a lightweight when it comes to pain. Although I think it's the anticipation of the pain that was the real problem after all I've had my ears pierced 4 times, 1 tattoo, and my belly button pierced (which hurt way more than the tattoo, faster though).

So I was actually a little relieved when it turned out that I was having a c-section (no way I can spell the actually name) because Fiona was trying to come out butt first. I was not fooled in to thinking it would be painless but it would be shorter and I could schedule it which cut out that whole anticipation thing.

The fact that I've never dealt with major pain before also meant that I'd never dealt with major pain killers before so I couldn't give them any hints as to how I'd react. The Dr's made a judgement call and gave me what they thought was best, Morphine. In short they shot me up with pure Heroin and I can tell you I see why people get addicted to that stuff. The sad result was the night my daughter was born they gave me the pain killers and then the nurse was helping Dave change a diaper (he didn't need it but that's her job). I felt it hitting as I watched them and then I said quite clearly, " I am so stoned". I think the nurse actually laughed. I had to wait until I came down a little to hold Fiona because I was afraid I'd drop her.

The moral of this story (for me at least) is if I have any more kids or major surgeries to ask them to skip the Morphine because that was more than I needed in a pain killer.

Thank You Interwebs

I just checked my stats and I noticed that yesterday I had more hits than I ever had before. Which was nice as my morning has kinda sucked cheese (not in a major way but dealing with Dr's offices and insurance companies is no ones idea of a good time) so it was a little like getting a hug.

Not that it was that many people, but if I entertain even one person for 2 mins that's a good thing. I was slightly worried for a minute because I though my angry post might offend some people and that's not my intention but then I decided that anyone who thought that behavior was okay wasn't someone who's opinion I care about any way.

So thanks for the support people I know, people I only know online, and people I don't know yet but are apparently visiting my page.

OCD

Maybe it's 'cause I'm one of those people who doesn't want their food to touch but Bananas & Peas?

To Lighten the Mood

Obviously that last post was a downer, which is why I didn't publish it when I wrote it on Saturday. I just thought no one wants to read about animal abuse on Valentines day. So just to be silly and to show that I'm back to my fun loving self (although if I get the chance to slash that guys tires I'll take it) here's a picture of Bananas we took on our honeymoon. It was the silliest thing I had available at the moment.

Open Letter to the POS Beating His Dog on the Side of the Road on Saturday

Disclaimer: Um this is a very angry post and I don't mince words. I'm an animal lover and a person who believes people who pick on the weak are pretty much the lowest life form on the planet. So if you don't want to hear me swear a blue streak and wish serious injury on someone you might want to skip this post.





Dear fetid piece of crap,



You were in a white Ford pick up with three dogs in the back who were not leashed barreling down the freeway. For whatever reason you found it necessary to pull over climb in the back and start beating one of the dogs with your fists. I hope you broke a knuckle you waste of human existence. It's extra classy that you were doing this not only in public but in front of your kid. I'm sure he's going to grow up to be a worthwhile member of society.



I hope the next time you choose to exhibit this sort of brutal behavior the guy that sees you is not with his wife and child and therefore chooses to pull over and beat the ever loving shit out of you. You clearly being a coward I imagine it would be a short fight.



Actually let me revise that. I hope the next time you do this the person who sees you is so surprised that they hit you with their car. Nope I don't wish you dead just injured to the point that you have to depend on what ever poor woman was foolish enough to breed with you for care. I'm assuming that the type of person who would behave as you do isn't exactly husband of the year. I hope your child is taken away from you therefore giving him a chance to not grow up to be like you.



Sincerely,

The lady in red in the car you flipped off and swore at for honking at you for being a brutal asshole.



P.S. I got you licence number. Would anyone like it?

My Weekend in Photos

The flowers Dave got me. I actually had them on the side of the mantel but I moved them to take this picture because photos of some of the in laws would have shown and I wasn't sure they'd be happy about being posted on the web.
Blondie bear the least evil and therefore my favorite of the bunnies. If you look carefully behind him you can kinda see Smokey too but he's grey so he blends in.

I finally found a permanent home for the blown glass ornaments my cousin makes. There are actually two new additions from Christmas this year and I'll keep adding them as long as he keeps making them.

I just thought this was a nice photo of Gambit. He almost never gets to relax because as soon as he lays down Fiona makes a b-line for him and he wants none of that so he's constantly relocating. I was happy to see him resting.

This one is blurry but captures her in action making what I think of as her Gollum face.

L.O.V.E.

Happy Valentines Day!

Dating Tip

The combination of Friday the 13th and Valentines day seemed like a really good time to tell this story. Now everyone that I know of who reads this blog is married but they can pass this on to their single friends or maybe there are single readers I don't know personally (if so hi!).

When I was in high school I volunteered to be the fortune teller at a charity event. I am not claiming to be psychic as a matter of fact you'd probably do better to never make life decisions based on anything I say but it was for charity and all in good fun. I already knew how to read Tarot cards (at least sort of) and the crystal ball is easy you just make stuff up but I didn't know anything about reading palms. So I read a book about it and it was quite interesting there's a lot more to it than just this line is this and this line is that. I had all kinds of fun and we made some money for our cause and I didn't think about it again until.....

I eventually discovered that if you say, " I can read palms" the immediate reaction of most people is to stick out their hand.....Hmmmmmm as a teenage girl how can I make this opportunity to hold hands work to my advantage? Oh that's rite tell cute boys! It was the perfect excuse to sit next to a guy you liked and hold his hand so he had to stay there and talk with you. Strangely many of the boys I met had the same fortune, "you will begin a new romance with a cute blond". I kept doing this for years until I was in my 20's although now that I think about it I never tried this on Dave (ironic as he really did start a new romance with the cute blond I kept trying to foist on people).

These days I have no real use for this skill. I suppose some day I'll pass it on to Fiona along with how to tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue, which I did use on Dave to great effect (I'll leave that part out when I tell Fiona. She will NOT want to know that).

Happy V-day the 13th!

WTF?

Why does my coffee taste like tea? I'm looking at YOU Starbucks, what do you have to say for yourself?

A Dead Horse

Alright I know I've mentioned it before and actually they've gotten much better but.......
why oh why do you think I need a book about holistic cures for alcoholism because I bought hot rollers?

A Woman's Perogative

Conversation with Dave a couple weeks ago when we walked in to the grocery store to see a bazillion valentines decorations.

Me: (With a sneer) Ewww! (pause to think) That's not a normal girl reaction is it? Sneering at valentines day?

Dave: We could skip it this year

Me: Nope then I'd be mad at you. I may not be normal but I am a woman.


Email I received from reception this morning

A package has arrived for you


IM I sent to Dave after retrieving my package

Thank you for the flowers


He's a keeper

Two Cool Things I Found Yesterday

I found this cookbook on the Babies R' Us website. Exactly what it has to do with babies I'm not sure but cumon it's super cool. I want a wookiee cookie.



Also I found this awesome website that makes fun of ego plates. And have I got a submission for them and a confession I'm the reason a friend had a plate that said CA Cheese. I'm sorry.

'Cause Ya Haven't Heard Enough From Me Today

OMG I love this picture.


more animals

Also I'm getting my hair cut next Wednesday. I am so excited! My hair looks like crap.

Aint We All Fancy N' Stuff?

Conversation on Saturday when my SIL (A) and I saw an add for some performance of the Metropolitan Opera (I think it was going to be on TV) and she said something about how it might be cool to see.

Me: I've never been to the opera

A: Me either

Me: You want to go to the opera?

A: Sure

So we're going to the opera. We pretty much knew this was something our husbands would not want to do so it was exciting to find someone to go with. It's not until June but I'll tell you all about it once we go.

Smooth Away

I was sent a free sample of this product and they asked me to try it and write a review on my blog. I was so stoked. I have a forum in with to voice my opinion and I'm being asked to do so YAY!

I tried it out about a week and a half ago. It works pretty well but takes much longer than shaving. I tried it both on my legs and on my face (less sensitive than trying it out on my bikini area or armpits).

I was pretty pleased when I used it on my face it worked quickly and effectively and I wasn't all red afterwards like with a waxing product. Either it was a more effective method than waxing or the hair growth inhibitor they included works because the hair is barely starting to grow back more than a week later.

I was less impressed with it as a hair removal system for my legs. It took at least 20 mins and I never got the entire leg smooth. It did work pretty well for knees and ankles where I have to admit I'm prone to nicking myself. Here the hair seemed to grow back at a normal pace and I had to shave the next morning.

So my final answer is this product works but not that well. I'd say it's best use is for small areas or cleaning up a spot you missed on your legs after you're already dressed.

Here is a link to their web site if you want more info. Keep in mind this is just my opinion and you may find this is perfect for you.

https://www.getsmoothaway.com/ver10/index.asp

Disturbing But in A Cute Way

Dave and I both spend a lot of our time singing complete nonsense to our pets and now our daughter. Sometimes it just inserting their names and sometimes it's...well lets call them original compositions.

For example I sometimes sing to Fiona (the tune of Oh Susannah) "Oh Fiona oh don't you cry for me". Or (the tune of Mandy) "Oh Gambit, Your a big yellow dog and you're stinky, but you're such a good dog".

Dave on the other had steps it up a notch and sings opera to them. There's one number he does and I'm sorry I don't know the name of the actual piece that he always claims is the finale to Gambito Triumphant (The Opera about our dog). Because I like to support his crazy behavior just as much as I appreciate him supporting mine I drew him this picture in MS Paint. It's my set design for the final scene to this riveting drama in which our hero Gambit sings his victory song on the bodies of his enemies. Note the hero hat which was inspired by a hat Dave wore for Halloween about ten years ago.

So Sneaky I Fooled Myself

Ha ha ha I just realised that #1 on my previous post and my quote of the day actually go together. I'm so clever.

Edit 2/10/09: Now that I've changed the quote of the day it was "You can call me flower if you want to" from Bambi.

If Dave Would Let Me and/or it Were Legal

Alright my posts have been getting a little Fionacentric lately and I don't want to be one of those Mom's who can't shut up about their kid so here's another glimpse inside the workings of my mind in the form of a list.

Animals it would be cool to have as pets:

#1. Skunk (I'm told they're like cats)
#2. Leopard (Again probably cat like but more likely to fatally maul you)
#3. Raccoon (I could name it Bandit and let it hang out with my bunny named Smokey)
#4. Peacock(s) (Of coarse then I'd need a terrace. I'm pretty sure the patio we barbecue on wouldn't cut it)
#5. Pig (Not a pot bellied pig but a real one)
This is Squeeker a piglet we met when we were in Hawaii a couple years ago. The nice man/park ranger who had him let me feed him which was extra exciting to me because I was going to have to learn to use a baby bottle soon as we'd just found out days before that I was pregnant (see how I sneakily got Fiona in. Mwhahahaha evil laugh)

Much Better Than Cleaning

Yesterday was nice. Dave went to get us a new cable box for our room because the old one didn't work AT ALL. He came back with a DVR for our room (SWEET!) and Jamba Juice for all. This is actually Fiona's second Jamba Juice but the first one was not caught on film.

After the sugar rush we took her for a walk to see if the park by our house has finished replacing the playground equipment they tore out a few months ago. They aren't done yet but they do have most of the new stuff in so hopefully soon we'll be able to play at the park again.

This picture was while I was on the floor giving Fiona the Jamba Juice. Please forgive my wet, not styled, seriously hideous hair. I just thought this exemplified my relationship with Sammy. "I love you now please get out of my face."

After all that Dave's brother P and our sister in law AK came over. AK and I went and saw "He's Just Not That Into You" which was very cute. I probably wouldn't have seen it in the theatre if she hadn't invited me to see it but I'm glad I did. It's a total chick flick but in a tongue in cheek way.

After we all had dinner and they went home I gave Fiona a bath and tried to put her to sleep. She's been fighting us on going to sleep and last night was no different. So I tried something a little different rather than wrestling with her trying to force her to lay down I let her try to sit up. I was surprised that when she sat up she immediately laid her head on my chest wrapped her little arms around me as far as the could go and fell asleep. I didn't even want to put her in her crib.

A Few Words

A few of the things Fiona can sort of say at completely random times:



Poo-poo

Dada

Kitty

Thank you

Bye bye

and she makes this strange woofing noise that means Grandma



The two things Fiona has said correctly and in context:



Juice

Meow



Yes you heard it here folks we have an official first word-Juice



To be honest she's been saying Meow to the cat for a couple weeks now but I didn't think it qualified as an actual word.

Today is CRAZY

Is there a full moon, is it the weather, or are people just stupid? I suspect C.

Must curl up in fetal position under my desk and cry until insanity stops or someone gives me an IV of Vodka.

Do You Know

Is it possible to loose inches around your rib cage? No seriously I'm confused.

A Handy New Skill

Last night Dave had to run to the grocery store to get dog food and toilet paper while I made Fiona's dinner (Butter noodles with a side of Mandarin oranges). When he got home he dumped the TP on the couch and went to feed the dogs. Since we had a few minutes between Fiona's dinner and bath time I sat down on the couch with her to play. Low and behold she discovered that a 12 pack of TP is the bestest toy EVER! She was beating on it and squeezing it and launching her whole body at it and not doing any damage. Every time she shows an interest in something I explain what it is hoping she'll pick up some of the words. Last night was a success when I explained the the TP was for cleaning up poo-poo she immediately repeated poo-poo. I don't think I'm putting that one down as her first word in her baby book.

Dessert Foods Aren't Always Rite

I have a love hate relationship with fortune cookies. I love them they hate me. I don't mean that they upset my stomach or for that matter that I love them for their taste. I just enjoy the novelty of them but for some reason I get a lot of really mean fortunes. I once got one that said something like "your greatest weakness is your stupidity". I'm not sure that's word for word but it did end in "your stupidity" so close enough. I also got "You and your wife will be very happy together" several times, which doesn't sound rude until you realize the cookie just called me a lesbian. These personal attacks have not deterred me I'm still excited to read everyones fortune when we get Chinese food.

Last week after Dave read his he shouted, "the cookie lies" and flung the fortune across the table, Being a tiny scrap of paper it only flew a couple inches so I had to reach for it. When picked it up I read, "Your respect for others will be your ticket to success." Yeah I've met Dave and he's rite the cookie lies.

BTW the title of this post is a quote about fortune cookies and if you can correctly name what it's from I'll send you a fortune cookie. It might be virtual but it will be a cookie.

A Productive Weekend

Yesterday Dave took Fiona out for the day and I stayed home and cleaned. I cleaned the front bathroom, Fiona's room, washed both dogs, and swept the hall and living room. I also started the weekends laundry.

It looks to me like Dave and Fiona had more fun at the Palace of Fine Arts than I did cleaning.

Weird story, some Japanese tourists asked if they could take pictures of Fiona. Dave didn't think it could cause any harm and so he said it was okay and they were really pleased. I just keep wondering what they are going to say about those pics when they show people their vacation photos. Of coarse the same thing used to happen to me back when I used to take classes in the city when I was a teenager. I think it might have to do with being blond....or Fiona and I are just awesomely pretty.

Today I cleaned our bathroom which is always disgusting. It's a little tiny bathroom and doesn't have a fan so mildew just runs rampant. Rite now I'm getting a little high from the cleaning fumes. I better go open a window.